Leavin' on your mind..."Look out, Ed...!"
.. Mindin' m' own bus'ness...
Goin' along at the speed limit 'n he cuts me off when he's goin' 20 miles under it. Shit
... 'N it ain't like there were anyone behind us fer miles 'n miles...
Fella just woulda had ta wait three seconds maybe."
"'N he didn' even signal his intention ta try 'n kill us."
Hey... you okay, Hank?"
"Yeah. Seat belt jus' cut inta ma shoulder some."
"Guess it weren't as bad as when
tha' guy on tha' motorcycle cut us off 'n then slammed on his brakes
fer no reason on tha' freeway through Salt Lake City.
Didn' even try ta pull off ta the side...
'n he coulda real easy-like."
"Gotta admit... I thought tha' were gonna be one helluva wreck."
"Yeah... Still cain't believe ya didn' hit him, Hank."
"Shit... me neither... Thought I were gonna kill him.
Then I thought tha' someone were gonna slam inta our truck from behind 'n kill us
Goin' from seventy-some miles an hour ta a dead stop like tha'...
Shit... Had ta a been somethin' wrong with his bike."
"Or he were tryin' ta kill his self."
"Could happen so fast. Blink of an eye.
Like with my folks. 'N tha' woman Bill were in love with... his ex...
Damn... I fergot her name..."
"S' true 'nough."
"Ya know, Ed..."
"If'n anythin' were ta happen ta me..."
"Ain't nothin' gonna happen ta you."
"Ain't sayin' it's gonna...
But if'n it did..."
"Don' wanna think 'bout it.
'N I sure as hell don' wanna talk 'bout it."
"I'd want ya ta be happy...
I'd want ya ta find someone else."
"Okay. Fine. I'd find someone else.
Maybe I could jus' steal Bill away from Betty.
Think tha'd be the easiest all 'round.... There.
Me 'n Bill live happily ever after. Now...
Let's talk 'bout somethin'
"C'mon, Ed... 'M tryin' ta be serious here."
"Wha' makes ya think 'm not?"
"Well then 'm declarin' Bill off limits."
"Don' know if'n you'd have much say in the matter..."
"Don' wanna be picturin' you with Bill.
'Sides... Betty would kill ya."
"Guess I could go fer Bob..."
...?!? Bible-thumpin' Bob
better picture fer me ta carry 'round..."
"Ain't a bad-lookin' fella... 'N ya never know...
He migh' be int'rested..."
"Well... even if'n he were... I told ya... should stay 'way from
them kinda fellas that're always preachin' hate
'gainst gays while at the same time
they're dreamin' 'bout..."
"Jeez, Hank... I were jus' kiddin'..."
"Well 'm serious...
'N I don' wantcha jus' livin' alone...
All depressed 'n everythin'... pinin' 'way fer me...
Never leavin' the ranch..."
"Somebody thinks a whole lot a his self."
"Ya think I don' know ya at all?
'N I saw wha' my pa did... Jus' kinda willed his self dead
after my ma were killed in tha' accident."
"Ain't no one could ever take yer place, Hank.
You'd be a real tough act ta follow."
"Don' 'xpect ya ta replace
Edthedog 'n Hankthedog ain't no replacement fer Stella.
But ya still love 'em, dontcha?"
"'Course I do.
But it aint 'xactly the same thing... 'Sides...
'M too old ta go courtin'..."
"Ya ain't too old, Ed."
"Well I sure as hell
ain't too young no more neither.
'N what if'n I jus' don' wanna? What's so wrong
'bout wantin' ta live in peace in our house...
with all our memories."
"Ain't nothin' wrong with tha'.
But I jus' don' want ya ta feel like ya gotta lock yer self away...
Feel like ya couldn' never find no one else...
if'n ya wanted to."
"I doubt tha' there's a whole lotta queer fellas livin'
in our neck a the woods anyways, Hank.
Much less queer fellas 'round
"Wouldn' go rulin' out one a them there
May-December romances, Ed..."
"Thanks, but no thanks.
I can barely keep up with yer dumb ass."
"Well...Ya never know...
So's jus' promise me ya'd consider it...
If'n the opportunity were ta
If'n some good-lookin' queer cowboy
of a certain age jus' happens ta come amblin' inta ma life...
I promise tha' I won' necessarily run
the other way."
"But you ain't goin' nowheres, dumbass."
"Sure ain't plannin' on it anyways...
But ya know wha' they say 'bout them best laid plans
a mice 'n men..."
"Ya think mice really make a whole lotta plans?"
"How the hell should I know...?
'M jus' quotin' the sayin'. I didn' make it up."
"If'n I go first..."
"Yeah, I know...
You'd wan' me ta find someone else too."
"No fuckin' way."
"Jus' think 'bout it fer a minute...
What if'n there is one a them heavens or somethin' 'n they decide ta let me in?
'M jus' gonna be twiddlin' my thumbs up there waitin' fer ya...
'N then eventually you'd come strollin' in
with some other fella on yer arm?
I don' think so."
"Think a the bad position you'd be puttin' me in..."
"Ain't never put ya in a bad position.
'Xcept maybe fer tha' one time last summer...
In fact... I like thinkin' 'bout puttin' ya in all kinds a positions...
Though I gotta admit tha' lately... fer some reason...
my fav'rite is when yer..."
havin' ta fight some fella over ya up in heaven, dumbass.
Bet they're real strict 'bout stuff like tha' 'n all....
Liable ta throw me out on m' ass...
kick me straight down ta hell
"I dunno... I 'magine tha' kinda situation must pop up purty often...
So's ya'd think who's ever in charge up there in heaven
would have some way a sortin' things out
ta everyone's satisfaction..."
"Ain't flippin' no coin.
I don' never win them coin tosses."
"Doubt they'd make us flip a coin.
Prob'bly don' even got
"'N there's no way 'm sharin' ya, Hank"
"Wouldn' wanna share you neither, Ed."
"Well... Then I guess... jus' ta be safe 'n all...
Whoever's left behind here on earth better jus' sit at home
'n pine away 'til they kick tha' there bucket too.
I shouldn' have no problem doin' tha'.
'Course I 'magine you migh'..."
"Think I jus' been insulted..."
"Ya know 'm jus' kiddin', dumbass..
If'n ya love someone... ya wan' 'em ta be happy.
'N much as I don' like the idea a you bein' with someone else
after 'm gone 'n all... 'N believe me... I sure don't
I'd still want ya ta be happy."
"Jus' maybe not no happier than we are..."
"No problem, Ed... 'Cause tha' just ain't possible.
You'd be a real tough act ta follow too."
"Hey... Ya don' think I'd have ta watch
though... do ya?
Wouldn' wanna do tha'. I jus' couldn..."
"Ain't no one gonna be makin' ya watch, Ed...
'N I don' think I could watch neither."
"Liar. Betcha anythin' you'd watch..."
"Maybe justa quick peek..."
"'N now tha' I think 'bout it...
I gotta admit... if'n it were poss'ble...
I'd probably try ta do one a them posession things too...
Ya know... so's it'd really be me who's with ya instead a whoever...
Hey... maybe we should have a code word
or somethin'... so's ya'd know
when it were me."
"How 'bout 'dumbass', dumbass?"
"Or how 'bout 'buttercup' maybe?
Ain't no one else would ever dream a callin' ya 'buttercup'.
I'd jus' whisper 'yer my buttercup' in yer ear
real soft-like so's tha' ya'd know
it were really me..."
"If'n I don' wantcha callin' me 'buttercup' now
why the hell woudya think I'd wantcha callin' me 'buttercup' after yer...
... I think I need ta stop talkin' 'bout
this now, Hank..."
"Yeah... I think I do too, Ed."
"How 'bout we get
off a this here interstate fer a while?
Maybe find a nice spot ta camp 'n stop fer the day..."'
"Kinda early yet...
'N we only been on the interstate fer a few miles...
'N we said we were gonna head ta..."
"Yer a l'il slow ta day, dumbass.
Jus' thought... Seein' as we're both still alive 'n kickin'...
maybe we could stop 'n get kinda comfortable-like
'n you could finish tellin' me 'bout yer
fav'rite positions ta put
"Think it'd work a l'il better if'n I jus' showed ya...
Hey... Take this here exit..."
"There campin' somewheres 'round here?"
"Damn well better be."A little later...
"How 'bout this site Hank?
Purty secluded 'n ain't no one else too nearby."
"Let's jus' get outta here, Ed."
"Mean wha' I said. Don' wanna stay here.
Turn 'round, Ed."
"You havin' one a yer psychic moments?"
"I ain't psychic, dumbass. 'S justa gut feelin'.
Everyone gets 'em. I jus' happen ta pay attention ta mine
whereas a lotta folks don'."
"Why cain't ya just use yer superpowers
ta win the lottery or somethin'?"
"Don' work like tha'. 'N I toldya... I ain't psychic.
'N I ain't got no superpowers."
"I dunno Hank...
Don' seem like nothin's the matter with this place.
Think we should stay."
"It were them guys camped back there.
I jus' got a bad feelin' 'bout 'em."
"We got a gun..."
"I know we got a gun.
But I'd rather jus' go somewheres else."
"Jeez... yer right one
time 'bout some hunch
how many years ago... 'n now..."
"Ain't like it happens real often...
Justa handful a times over a whole lotta years...
'Sides... we jus' don' know
if'n I were right them other times.
'N I did save us from goin' fifty-some miles down tha' deserted back road
'n breakin' down in the middle a nowheres. Way it turned out
we was justa couple a miles from help
when we broke down."
"Know the story, dumbass.
Me 'n Iris were with ya after all... C'mon, Hank...
'S broad daylight... 'N this seems like a purty decent campground...
Dontcha think maybe yer over-reactin' justa l'il?"
"No. I don'. 'N besides...
It was more than tha' one time tha' I knew I were right fer sure...
First time's the real reason I still pay attention...
I jus' never told ya 'bout it..."
"Turn the truck 'round 'n I jus' migh' tell ya."
"Okay, okay... 'M turnin' 'round...
So wha' happened?"
"Was years ago... in Amarillo, Texas...
When I were with Ben..."
"Were tha' before or after El Paso 'n Juarez?"
"Righ' before... Think I sent ya a postcard..."
"Yeah... I got one from Amarillo..."
"Anyways... Ben 'n me...
we were headin' back ta the boardin' house....
Headin' up them stairs I got a feelin' like I got jus' now...
The hair on the back a ma neck stood right up
'n a weird sensation went through me.
Settlin' in my gut..."
"Yeah... 'weird' sounds 'bout right."
"Yeah... Tha's wha' Ben thought too.
I grabbed him and dragged him back down them stairs...
Pulled him 'cross the street 'n inta a alley. The man thought I were nuts.
We musta waited there 'bout ten minutes 'n I were jus' bout ready
ta admit tha' I were crazy when three guys come outta
tha' boardin' house... 'N I saw tha' two of 'em
were carryin' metal pipes
"Shit. You makin' that up?"
"No. I ain't."
"You have a run-in with them fellas earlier
Don' remember talkin' to 'em.
Don' even remember seein' 'em 'fore tha'.
Guess they jus' musta heard somethin' 'bout us...
Or seen us maybe. I dunno... we were
always real careful-like
"Damn... They mighta..."
"'N I ain't ashamed ta tell ya...
I still didn' wanna go back in there after we saw 'em leave...
Musta waited an hour 'fore we did... but we needed ta get our stuff.
Hell... didn' even know fer sure they was after us
'til we went back up ta the room.
It were all tore up. 'N there weren't hardly no stuff left ta get.
We salvaged what we could real quick-like
'n then we got the hell outta
"Damn, Hank... I coulda lost ya then... 'fore I ever even found ya again.
Shit... Sure am glad ya listened ta yer gut."
"Me too, Ed."
"Won' never make fun a it again."
"Ya sure 'bout tha'?
My gut's tellin' me tha' ya will.
Jus' wouldn' be the same if'n ya didn'."
"Why didn' ya never tell me tha' story before?"
"'N 'xactly when
do ya think
woulda been a good time fer me ta tell ya tha' kinda story?
When I were waitin' all them years fer ya ta get up the nerve ta move in with me?
Or maybe when I spent all them other years hopin' tha' ya wouldn'
bolt on me once ya did move in?"
"Guess ya got a point there."
"Hell... Didn' really even wanna tell it to ya now..."
"Don' worry, Hank... I won' never bolt on ya."
"Know tha', Ed."
"So's... whaddya wanna do now?"
"'S gotta be more campgrounds round these parts..."
"Ya still wanna stop early...?
"Sure do. Jus' didn' wanna stop there.
Hell... It'd take a whole lot more 'n tha' ta get me outta the mood.
Think it mighta put me more
in the mood even."
, wouldn' it?
So's which way should I head?"
"You sure 'bout tha'?"
"Yep... my psychic powers
are tellin' me tha' we should head thataway."
"Ya don' say?"
"I do say.
'N it don' have nothin' ta do with
this here map havin' all them l'il green tents along this here road...
Or tha' campin' sign tha' we passed
a l'il while ago."
"It don', huh?"
How 'bout usin' them superpowers a yers ta tell me
what 'm thinkin' 'bout righ' now?"
"Be glad ta give it a try...
Lessee... 'M gettin' somethin' 'bout... Damn
Gotta tell ya, Ed... tha's a position even I ain't never thought a before...
Yer one helluva dirty ol' man, aintcha?"