"Sure, Ed. Kinda plannin' on it anyways...
Lessee... Jus' take the next exit..."
is a whole lot better."
"Looks like we're officially
outta them Plains states 'n in the Midwest."
"Righ' nice a them ta let us know."
"Yep. Heard folks are gen'rally real polite in the Midwest.
'Cept maybe fer that one fella this mornin'
at the campground..."
"They really need a new word fer whatever that is...
"Think I like that. More truth in advertisin' tha' way."
"Wha'd tha' fella say this mornin', anyways?
You seemed kinda outa sorts when ya came back
from chattin' with him."
"Nothin'. Don' worry 'bout it."
"Did he figure it out 'bout us or somethin'? Shit.
'Course he did...
The way ya grabbed me 'n kissed me. Full on the mouth.
Knew I shoulda pushed ya 'way quicker...Dammit Hank.
"Ya know damn well once ya get yer mouth on mine 'm done fer.Shit
. S' hard ta believe. After so damn many years...
Like 'm a damn fool kid in love or somethin'.
More like a damn fool old man."
"Ya ain't old, Ed. 'N same here..."
"Yer damn righ' yer a damn fool too."
. Tha's a whole lotta 'damns' ya jus' rattled off."
"Fine. I'll switch ta 'hell'.
Why the hell
didya do go 'n do that
Was way too many folks 'round..."
"Kissed ya after
I got back from talkin' with him, dumbass...
Remember? While we were packin' up..."
"Oh... Tha's righ'.
So's... wha'd the hell he say tha' set ya off?"
"Said some stuff. Nothin' much.
Jus' ferget about it. I shouldna even brought it up.
Didn' mean ta... Me 'n my big mouth."
"Ya cain't say that '
n then not tell me what he said."
"It weren't much. Really
Jus' 'long the lines a tha' bein' a family
Lotta kids 'round 'n all 'n would we be stayin' long 'n stuff like tha'.
Come ta think a it, he were real
polite 'bout tellin' me
tha' we weren't real welcome there."
"Shit. Wha' didya say back ta him?"
"Figured gettin' mad 'n yellin' wouldn' do no good.
Jus' asked him if'n he were on the state park welcomin' committee
'n he said 'no', 'n I said well thank you very much fer the warm welcome anyways,
but we'd be stayin' fer just as long as we wanted ta. Maybe longer.
'N then I wanted ta ask him if'n he had any good lookin' sons...
Tell him we were on a cross-country recruitin' tour...
But I figured tha' sure wouldn' help none.
Prob'bly jus' get us thrown in jail.
So's I stopped m' self."
"Even considered stayin' 'nother night.
Jus' fer spite 'n all."
"Well... I guess that 'xplains ya kissin' me like tha'...
But we don' gen'rally kiss or nothin' when other folks are 'round...
How d'ya s'pose he figured it out
ta begin with?"
"Who the hell knows? Maybe...
Jus' ferget 'bout it Ed... 'S bound ta happen sometimes.
Ain't no way it won't."
"C'mon, Hank... Wha' were ya gonna say?"
"Shit. I prob'bly shouldn' be tellin' ya this... But...
You been a lot
more relaxed these days...
Out in public, I mean..."
"Prob'bly 'cause we purty much
out in public fer a helluva long time now.Still
... I don' gen'rally grab ya when other folks are 'round...
No matter how much I'd like ta."
"Nothin' like tha'...
so's much as jus' the way ya are.
Ya jus' seem less worried 'bout ev'ry l'il movement...
Like puttin' yer hand on my shoulder or touchin' m' arm or somethin'.
'N even jus' the way ya been lettin' yer self look at me...
'n smile at me... almos' like we're at home...
instead a campin' like this."
"Guess I'll just hafta be more careful."
"Dontcha dare, dumbass. Like I said...
Stuff like tha's bound ta happen sometimes.
Jus' ferget about it."
"Hard to forget about it Hank.
Folks judgin' us. Ain't easy on me.
Never will be."
"I know, Ed. But who the hell cares what other folks think?
I am real sorry I said anythin' 'bout it though."
"But tha's jus' stupid too, Hank.
Ya shouldn' oughta go keepin' stuff like tha' from me.
Sure it bothers me. But I'd still wanna know. 'Sides... if'n I had known...
I woulda made tha' kiss a lot more memorable...
Given tha' guy his money's worth.
'N you too, a course."
"Believe maybe ya woulda."
"Ya know tha' he were on his way ta church?
His wife were yellin' at him ta hurry up so's they wouldn' be late
'n they could get a good seat right up front...
Closer ta God 'n all I guess..."
Yeah. Town were only a couple a miles away."
"Bet he thinks his god'll put a big ol' gold star next ta his name ta day
fer runnin' us evil homosexuals outta tha' there state park
'n makin' tha' place a l'il safer fer heterosexuals.
'N kids. 'N puppies too."
"Yeah. 'N bunnies. 'N baby chicks. 'N baby..."
chicks' is redundant, dumbass.
Can we stop talkin' 'bout this now?"
"Yer the one made me tell ya."
"'N now I don' wanna talk 'bout it no more. Where we goin' anyways?
Kinda seems like the wrong direction again..."
"Won' be fer so's long this time...
'S justa few miles."
"Ain't what I asked ya."
"Ya really wanna know?
Or ya wanna be s'prised?"
"What the hell... S'prise me..."
A short while later...
"There it is... Turn in here Ed...
Jus' couldn' pass up seein' 'Albert'."
"Lemme guess... some fella you were talkin' to told ya 'bout him?
But my guess is not
tha' fella at the camp-lot."
"Yep. 'N nope. Hey... Look, Ed... We coulda stayed here...
Albert's even got his very own campground."
You mean camp-lot
"Jus' don' get tha'."
"Thought he'd be bigger, somehow..."
"How the hell big d'ya wan' him ta be?"
"I dunno... Jus' thought he'd be bigger
Fella said he were the world's
"Do like them blue eyes a his...Sigh
... Sure wish ya had blue eyes, Hank."
"Shut up, dumbass."
"So... Ya s'pose they worship him or somethin'?"
"Prob'bly 'or somethin'."
"Tha' reminds me... Wish we were here at homecomin'...
Tha' fella said high school kids paint Albert's balls real festive-like
on them kinda special occasions."
"Jus' don' go gettin' no dumb ideas, dumbass."
"Guess 'm slowin' down a migh'...
Ta tell ya the truth... It didn' even occur ta me 'til ya said it... But...
Now tha' ya mention it... tha' could be purty interestin'."
"I'd use non-toxic paint."
"Gee thanks, Hank."
"Bet they even got edible paint..."
"Guess tha' does sound kinda interestin' after all."Later...
"I know I said I didn' wanna take the interstate, Hank...
But this ain't 'xactly what I had in mind neither..."
"'S only a couple more miles. I think.
Don' got the best directions..."
On second thought... Nevermind..."
"There it is..."
"Tha' tree... in the middle a tha' intersection."
is whatcha wanted ta see?
Yer purty easily amused... aintcha, Hank?"
But if'n ya think 'bout it
tha's prob'bly ta yer
"Ain't really a real
"Sure it is.
Four roads come ta gether... don' they?
Story is... some surveyor stuck his walkin' stick there
'n it grew inta tha' big ol' tree."
"Maybe tha' tree were already there
'n folks decided it were easier ta jus' drive 'round it
instead a choppin' it down."
"You accusin' the fine folks tha' reside in Iowa...
not includin' tha' one fella a course... he weren't so fine...
of makin' stuff up?"
"Maybe just exaggeratin' some..."
"Well, I prefer the walkin' stick story
so tha's the one 'm stickin' to."
"Guess tha' tree is kinda nice, ain't it?"
"Yep. Think it'd be nice if'n more intersections had trees in 'em.
Like I seen pictures from other countries...
They got fountains in 'em 'n whatnot.
This country ain't got 'nough
"You hungry, Hank?"
"How 'bout we sit under tha' tree 'n have ourselves a l'il picnic?
We could dig inta tha' pie we bought."
"Ya won't get embarrassed if'n someone drives by?"
"Maybe I should give tha'
not carin' what other folks think a chance. 'Sides...
What're the odds? We ain't seen one single car drivin' out here.
'N if'n yer real lucky... I may even kiss ya once or twice...
We can pretend tha' fella's watchin'."
"So... What're we waitin' fer?
Let's have ourselves a picnic."A little later...
"Don' think we shoulda eaten it all..."
"Hell... Ain't like we have pie fer lunch ev'ry day..."
"Whaddya mean fer lunch
Don' know 'bout you... but I'm still gonna eat some lunch later."
"Hey, Ed... Lookit this... there's some writin' on this here pie tin...
...It says 'Except the Lord builds the house,
They labor in vain that build it'."
"Serve up a l'il preachin' with their pie, huh?"
"Looks tha' way.
But I kinda think
tha' bible quote shoulda been
somethin' 'bout gluttony."
"Woulda been a l'il late fer us...
By the time we coulda made out what it said."
"True. All we coulda done is repent."
"Cain't say as I'm all tha' sorry."
"Now... 'bout tha' there kiss..."
"Hey, look... There's a couple a more big ol' cows..."
"'N 'nother one..."
"'N a couple a more..."
Maybe they do worship giant bovines in this here state?"
"Beginnin' ta look tha' way..."
"Boy... they sure got a whole lotta purty l'il towns in this here state."
Helluva lot more 'n we got."
"Looks like they worship giant women in this town."
"Don' think tha's a church, Hank."
"'N windmills in this one."
"Why the hell would anyone worship a windmill?"
"Ain't polite ta question other folk's beliefs, Ed."
"More like 'm questionin' yer
"'N it looks like they worship whatever the hell that
'round these here parts."
"Wha' the hell
"I dunno... But it's definitely somethin'."
"Cain't argue with tha'."
"'N I ain't real sure what them folks worship. Or don't.
They like ta keep secrets."
"Think all tha's jus' so's fellas can get ta gether
withou' no women 'round."
"Ya'd think they'd jus' form a bowlin' league or somethin'."
"Ain't as much fun as secret handshakes."
"'N black balls 'n white balls 'n stuff."
"Cut it out, Hank."
Ain't tha' how they choose or refuse new members?"
"Hey... lookit tha', Ed...
They must worship a real tiny god in this town."
"Hope ya got a picture okay... 'Cause I ain't stoppin'."
"'N a much bigger god here."
"Bet their god could beat up tha' other town's l'il god."
"'N it looks like the folks here are torn 'tween
worshippin' Jesus or them all-powerful let's-all-tear-up-the-terrain vehicles.
Betcha them ATVs are winnin' out."
"Hate them damn ATVs.
Horses are a helluva lot better.
Ain't got nothin' 'gainst Jesus though.
Seems like he were a decent 'nough fella.
Ain't his fault folks use him ta hate on other folks."
"Yeah... lot of 'em keep invokin' Jesus' name
but I think they definitely prefer tha' there Old Testament.
'N even then they jus' pick 'n choose
wha' suits 'em."
"Yeah... my folks mostly had me memorizin'
all tha' Old Testament stuff. Suited 'em much better than the New."
Didn' mean ta remind ya of yer folks."
"'S okay, Hank.
Don' bother me no more. 'Sides...
'S a whole lot better ta laugh 'bout it anyways."
"Well, then this migh' make ya smile...
Seems like they worship William Shatner in this here town."
"Yeah... Captain James T. Kirk...
from tha' Star Trek TV show."
Watched them re-runs with Iris all the time.Future
"Tha's wha' the monument says..."
"Tell me we didn' drive outta our way fer this
We did not drive outta our way fer this.
Didn' have no idea it were here, 'til I saw tha' banner
'n tha' big ol' spaceship."
"'S true. Hey, Ed... which way d'ya think I turn here?
Think we wanna head thata way...
but I ain't sure..."
I'm a rancher
not a navigator
"Well why dontcha pretend
yer Mr. Sulu fer a minute instead a Dr. McCoy
'n jus' look at the damn map fer me."
"Think tha's Scotty."
"Whatever. Turn left here."
"Hey... There's somethin' tha's purty much
"They say it makes the world go 'round."
"Thought tha' was 'love'."
"Well, you sure as hell keep me goin' 'round in circles."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"Ain't sure it was one."
"'N speakin' a love...
It looks like a lotta folks 'round here
might worship what I do."
Dontcha ever worry if'n there is a God
yer gonna piss him off good?"
"Nah... Figure if'n there is a God he or she's
got a purty decent sense a humor.
Hell... Think ya'd need one."
"'N yer case he definitely would.
"True 'nough. Hey, Ed...
How 'bout we find one a them camp-lots
so's I can boldly go where no man but me's gone before?"
I were wonderin' when ya'd get 'round ta that
Turn 'right up at the stop sign. Accordin' ta this here map...
there's one a them state park camp-lots
'bout ten light years thata way."
"Ten light years? Shit.
I'd better kick it inta warp speed."
"Jus' don' get a ticket. We cain't afford it."A while later...
'M a cowboy
not a contortionist.
"Don' make me laugh, Ed..."
We need more power, Mr. Scott."
"'Aye, laddie, I'll give it all I got."
"Good... job... Mr... Scott..."
"I dunno if'n it can take much more, Captain.
This ol' bucket a bolts is ready ta blow."
"Hank... Hank... Hank...
"Shit. Ya don' gotta holler like tha', Ed..."
"I weren't hollerin'.
Said yer name 'bout six times 'fore ya heard me.
Sittin' there typin' with a big ol' dumb-lookin' grin on yer face...
Assume yer writin' 'bout the trip."
"Good pie in Iowa."
"Yeah... I liked tha' big ol' bull with the blue eyes...
Wha' were his name...? Alvin?"
"Tha's righ'. Damn...
Sure wish you had blue eyes, Hank..."
"'N tha' new visitor center were unfortunate."
"Looms over tha' l'il house..."
"Don' know why they had ta make it so damn big."
"Maybe they're gonna paint it red...
Try 'n make it look like the barn that ain't there no more."
"Then they jus' shoulda built themselves a damn barn.
A real one. From the outside least-wise.
Woulda looked a lot better."
"Tell ya, 'm glad it weren't open, Hank...
Know you woulda told 'em 'xactly whatcha thought."
"Damn right I woulda....
Woulda told 'em tha' they shoulda took all tha' money
'n spent it on pickin' up tha' poor ol' house 'n movin' it 'n settin' it down
somewheres where there's still some countryside left.
Somewheres it could breathe."
"Think them folks in tha' picture coulda stood ta
take a couple a deep breaths a tha' country air themselves."
"Think I used ta feel how they look."
"Ya used ta look how they look too, Ed."
"Wouldn' doubt it."
"But yer face unclenched real nice over the years."
"Thanks, Hank. Good ta know."
"I'm still tryin' ta figure out
wha' tha' ugly ol' concrete slab is fer...
A big ol' statue a tha' farmer 'n his daughter maybe?"
"Wouldn' need no giant concrete slab fer tha' neither."
"It's round so's it wouldn' be suitable fer no basketball court."
"Or fer square dancin'."
"'N it's jus' a l'il too small fer a roller skatin' rink."
"Maybe they're gonna put up 'nother statue of a giant cow or bull?
S'posed ta be a farm after all..."
"Think tha'd kind block out the house entirely.
'S a real small house."
"Guess it would."
Remember all them plaster critters we saw arranged in tha' town park?
Maybe they're gonna do somethin' like tha'?"
"Yeah, I remember alrigh'... I remember you
hat on the cow
'n yers on the horse
"If'n ya wanted yer hat on the horse
ya woulda had ta have gotten yer ass outta the truck."
"Weren't no way I was goin' over there.
Tha' woman were givin' ya the evil eye as it was.
Think she were real worried tha' you were
gonna take somethin."
"Gotta admit... It crossed my mind...
Wanted ta grab tha' horse 'n cow 'n make a run fer it.
They woulda looked real nice in the front yard.
'Specially in them hats."
"Think tha' woman coulda took ya down easy."
"Hey... Ya don' s'pose they worship them
lawn ornaments too do ya?"
"Yer nuts, Hank.
Beginnin' ta think yer obsession with religion
is borderin' on unhealthy."
"Ya do, huh?"
"Then I guess ya wouldn' wanna know
"Got some idea."
"Not jus' that
The rest a ya too. Hold on a sec 'n I'll show ya...
Jus' wanna find the righ' song here..."http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7AHblQ3_oM
"Think ya mighta used tha' song 'fore."
"Jus' this first part a it fer a title.
I think anyways. Didn' use the whole song.
See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal meee... See me.
Feel me. Touch me. Heal meee... See me. Feel me. Touch me.
Heal meee... See me. Feel meee. Touch me.
Do ya gotta sing ev'ry
"Yep. 'Cause... Listenin' ta you I get the music.
Gazin' at you I get the heat. Followin' you I climb the mountain
I get excitement at yer feet'..."
huh? I dunno... I'm a l'il
But wha' the hell... You go right ahead 'n knock yerself out.
Ya wan' me ta take my socks off?"
"Tha'd be nice."
"Ya know, Hank... I kinda think it should be the other way 'round...
Think I should be singin' tha' song ta you."
"How 'bout we take turns singin' it ta each other?"
"How 'bout we just shut up fer a while?
'Cept fer the occassional moan or groan a course...
'N see if'n we can get these two ol' buckets a bolts up ta warp speed...
acceleratin' real slow-like a course."
"You remember that
Think maybe I liked tha' part a Iowa
best of all."
Think we mighta orbited right 'round heaven
a few times there."
"Know we did.
I mooned some a them bible thumpers
as we went by."
"Good job, Captain."
were the Captain."
"Ain't tha' title yer usin'...
'bout Iowa 'n heaven... from tha' movie...?
Field a Dreams?"
"But we didn' go ta that
"Nope. Didya wanna, Ed?"
"Nope. We saw a whole lotta purty cornfields in Iowa..."
"'N I don' think tha' one coulda been any better. Baseball diamond or no...
Was kinda s'prised you
didn' wanna go though."
"I dunno... Kinda think we got our own field a dreams right here.
Even if'n it ain't so green 'n purty.. 'S our
'N our dreams came true there
"Yeah... Sure did.
'Course... I just had the one dream..."
"'N I didn' even really know I had that one...
'Til it did. Come true that is."
"Ya did so know, Ed.
Least-wise part a ya musta known.
the one tha' fin'lly moved yer ass here
'n made tha' dream come true...
Fer both a us."
"Uh... ain't sure wha' yer
talkin' 'bout when I splurged 'n bought them real nice boots.
Regular dream come true fer these poor ol' feet a mine.
I had no
idea the diff'rence they'd make.
It were downrigh' amazin'.
"Yep. Real nice
"Glad yer dream came true, Ed."
"'N 'm real glad I was livin' with you when it did."
"Love ya, dumbass."
"Love you too, dumbass."
"You asleep, Ed...?"
"Would it really matter?"
"Fields sure can be purty...
Ya like fields a whole lot, dontcha...?"
"Yep. Fields can be real purty."
"Ya know wha' fields I wouldn' mind seein'...?"
"Them green tea fields in Japan...
Or maybe them fields at Machu Picchu... 'n the ruins too...
Or some a them terraced rice fields... Got them a whole lotta places...
like Bali or Viet Nam or Thailand... ya like Thai food a lot...
'N I bet most a them European countries got
real purty fields too... 'N maybe..."
Ya won' be satisfied 'til ya got us circlin' the damn globe.
'N I think maybe ya lied before... Think ya do got
more 'n jus' that one
"Okay... Maybe I do
got some other dreams...
Hell... I'd like ta see the whole damn world if'n I could.
But the only dream tha's ever mattered
if'n it came true did
'N anythin' else is jus' like the cherry on top of a big ol' sundae.
Coulda sworn I told ya all tha' before, dumbass..."
"Yeah... I guess..."
"C'mon, Ed... You mus' dream 'bout somethin' too?
Somethin' ya wanna do
. Some place
ya wanna go. Some thing
'Sides boots anyways..."
"Well... Uh... I guess I always wanted ta be able ta make an apple pie.
Well, not always
... but fer a purty long time now...
Ya know... a real
"Yeah... Kinda been wonderin'
if'n maybe Betty 'n her mom migh' be willin' ta teach me...
Been thinkin' 'bout askin' 'em... But 'm kinda embarrassed ta do it...
'Specially after wha' happened with them dinosaurs.
Ya jus' had ta go 'n do tha', didn' ya?"
is ta learn how ta make pie?"
"Good a dream as any I guess. 'N I bet they would...
They didn' care 'bout them dinosaurs. They jus' thought it were funny.
Jus' do whatcha normally do in them kinda situations...
Pretend it never happened."
"Only thing I can do."
"Ya wan' me ta ask 'em fer ya?"
"Yeah. I would. 'N I will."
"I never thought ta ask yer ma ta teach me. Wish I woulda...
Guess I never woulda got up the nerve anyways."
"Bet my ma woulda liked that a lot.
Ya coulda been like the daughter she never had."
"Shut up, dumbass. Plenty a fellas make pie."
"Know they do. Jus' teasin' ya.
Ya wouldn' make a very purty girl anyways."
"Tha's true 'nough."
"And ya know damn well tha'
there's been more 'n a few times when I wished I had
had my ma teach me how ta make her recipes.
Sure weren't much writ down..."
"Yeah... 'N wha' we do got directions fer don' taste near as good
as when she used ta make it."
"Yer ma were a real good cook."
"Sure was. So...
Ya got any other dreams, Ed?"
"Yep. Cheese. I'd like ta try a whole buncha diff'rent cheeses.
Ya know... real good
ones... from other countries.
Like some a them tha' Iris brought us.
Only more. A lot more."
"Think we could get our hands on some good cheese easy 'nough.
Prob'bly plenty a places ta order from on that internet.
So... C'mon, Ed... What else d'ya dream of...
'Sides cheese 'n pie 'n boots...?
"Well... Guess 'nother dream a mine
would be fer this fella next ta me ta shut up long 'nough
so's I can go ta sleep 'n spend some time dreamin' 'bout him
'n then get 'nough rest so's I can do ta him tomorrow
whatever it is I migh' dream 'bout doin'
ta him tonight."
"G' nigh', dumbass."
"Sweet dreams, Ed."
"They sure have been, Hank."
"Yep. Sweet dreams 'n a sweet life...
With my sweetheart Ed 'n his sweet, sweet cheeks."
"Go ta sleep, dumbass"
"Now ya got me cravin' somethin' sweet.
We got anythin'?"
"I dunno, Ed...
Guess there migh' be some cookies left..."
"Nah. Them ain't worth gettin'up fer.
Guess I'll jus' go ta sleep."
"How 'bout a kiss?"
"One a them chocolate
"Nope. Justa regular one."
"I dunno... Lemme think 'bout it..."
"Ya know, Hank... real good chocolate would be good too.
we ain't hardly ever had good
"Sounds good ta me, Ed.
We'll get some real good chocolate too."
"'N it seems like 'bout all we ever drink is beer 'n whiskey.
Think I'd like ta try some other kinds a stuff."
"'S a whole world a booze out there...
Be glad ta get ya liquored up on anythin' ya wan'."
"'N a coconut, maybe.
We ain't never bought a coconut."
"We should definitely buy a coconut."
"Guess maybe I'll start a list in the mornin'."
"Good idea, Ed."