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Ed and Hank Not really a Valentine's Day post... (But the… - myeyesaintblue [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Feb. 16th, 2008|09:23 am]
Ed and Hank

Not really a Valentine's Day post...

(But the following did take place on Valentine's Day between 6 p.m. and midnight.)

Note: It may have been Valentine's Day, but Hank had God and country on his mind. (Ed not so much.)  And, yes, Hank is still supposed to be on a break...

Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. $$: Nope.

Everything else is here:

Not really a Valentine's Day post...

"No way 'm goin' over there with ya... 'm waitin' in the truck."

"Fine. Be tha' way, Ed. I don' need ya with me fer this anyways."

A minute later...

"Thought ya said ya weren't comin' with me, dumbass?"

"I ain't.... I jus' got the urge fer some fresh air 'n I happened ta mosey in this direction... 'S downhill ya know..."

"It is, huh...?"


"Shit... M' heart ain't quite in this yet..."

"Then don' do it."

"I wanna do it."

"Then do it."

"Hold on a minute... I gotta figure out how ta work this here camera tha' Betty lent me..."

"Think ya jus' push one a them buttons..."

"Thanks... I wouldna been able ta figure that out..."

"'N I think them cameras work best if'n ya don' drop 'em."

"Think yer jus' tryin' ta push my buttons... Maybe ya shoulda mosied uphill... or stayed in the damn truck..."

"Thought ya migh' need a lookout."


"Ya got it...?"

"Think so... Lemme take a few more fer good measure. Cain't tell if'n they're in focus or not... 'specially with this wind blowin'..."

"Hurry up."

"Why...? You afraid they might arrest me fer molestin' this here statue? Maybe taze me fer good measure? They sure like tazin' folks in this here country... Guess it's tha' there trickle-down brutality... Hell... 'S 'bout the only thing that ever has trickled down..."

"Jeez, Hank... Alls I meant was that it's gettin' late... 'N 'm jus' gettin' kinda hungry is all... I didn' have much fer lunch. 'N 'm wore out from furniture shoppin'... Still cain't believe we broke that ol' couch... 'M sure gonna miss it..."

"'M gonna miss it too. 'N I hate furniture shoppin' too... but I wan' a damn couch ta sit on 'n whatnot... 'n 'm ticked off that I forgot that all them sales would be startin' this weekend in honor a our past presidents... them ones tha' weren't criminals... so's goin' ta day was pointless anyways... Waste a gas... Waste a time... Shit..."

"Ya wan' a couch fer sittin' on 'n 'whatnot', huh...?"

"Yeah... Whatnot. You know wha' 'whatnot' is... dontcha, Ed...?"

"My best guess is that it has somethin' ta do with wha' we were doin' when we broke that ol' couch..."

"Good guess."

"'S gonna be hard ta find 'nother one tha's so's deep like tha'... Real comfy with room fer two 'n all... Maybe we should jus' see if'n we cain't fix it...?"

"Cain't hurt ta try... So's... if'n yer hungry, Ed... why don' we jus' stop 'n get us a big ol' pizza...?"

"Sounds good ta me..."

"Wish we had a decent pizza place in this here town though... Guess all them folks workin' so hard ta uphold them family values 'n keep scary folks like us from gettin' hitched don' got no time left over ta worry 'bout things like the rampant spread a mediocre pizza."

"You gonna be in this mood all night, Hank...?"

"Wha' mood? I ain't in no mood."

"Hey... 'S Valentine's Day... ain't it...? So's how 'bout we get one a them heart-shaped pizzas...? I always wanted ta get one a them..."

"You serious, Ed...? You would sit down 'n eat a big ol' heart-shaped pizza with me... in fron' a whoever else happens ta be in there...?"

"Thought maybe we could just get it ta go... take it home with us..."


"Least-wise lemme finish 'fore ya get yer nose even more pushed outta joint... Hell... I'm the one tha' suggested it ta begin with, dumbass... Thought we could get it ta go so's we could drink some beer with it at home... Ya know damn well we cain't get no beer there no how..."

"Yeah... Not in this here dumbass town... Guess they think if'n they let folks have a lousy 3.2 beer with their lousy pizza they migh' end up havin' a good time or somethin'... God forbid. Literally."

"So's... would ya settle fer me standin' righ' next ta ya 'n orderin' one a them lousy heart-shaped pizzas?"

"Righ' next ta me, huh...?"


"Elbows brushin' even...?"

"Maybe. If'n yer lucky."

"Guess tha's good 'nough fer me, Ed... C'mon, let's go get us a big ol' mediocre heart-shaped pizza..."

A little later...

"Jeez... Wha' kinda self-respectin' pizza place don' got heart-shaped pizzas fer Valentine's Day...?"

"S'okay, Hank... Don' matter none..."

"Guess them heart-shaped pizzas can be real dangerous... I hear them bible-thumpers are tryin' ta get 'em banned 'cross the country 'cause they're liable ta lead ta lewdness of all kinds... 'N they're afraid all tha' lewdness migh' tick off their god 'n he'll smite this here country 'n bring it to it's knees..."

"'Smite', huh...?"

"'S a word... smite... smitin'... smote... 'S wha' some gods spend a whole lotta time doin'... Odd thing 'bout their god though... he don' seem ta get nearly so's ticked off 'bout things like war-mongerin' 'n torturin' as he does 'bout certain things involvin' dicks 'n balls 'n asses 'n boobs 'n men lovin' men 'n women lovin' women 'n men wantin' ta marry men 'n women wantin' ta marry women 'n Janet Jackson's big ol' nearly-nude boob bein' loosed on all them unsuspectin' citizens watchin' tha' Super Bowl a few years back..."

"How the hell did you manage ta make yer way ta Janet Jackson's boobs...?"

"Boob. Was just one. 'N it was a real big deal... Big ol' federal investigation 'n all... Tell ya... tha' nearly-nude boob burstin' free like tha' really scared the hell outta them bible-thumpers... I heard tell some of 'em still wake up screamin'... Guess they're jus' lucky it weren't a big ol' dick or their heads prob'bly woulda 'xploded..."

"Watch out fer tha' car, Hank... Tha' fella's drivin' like a fuckin' maniac..."

"I see him... 'Course the thing them bible-thumpers don' seem ta get is tha' this here country's already well on its way ta goin' down on its knees on accounta all them dickheads in Congress that ain't never had the balls ta stand up to them two big ol' boobs in the Whitehouse... 'N tha' would be the same pair a big ol' boobs them dumbass bible-thumpers voted fer..."


"Yeah. Twice."

"But... maybe things'll start ta look up this year..."

"Maybe... Does kinda seem like some a them dickheads migh' be workin' on growin' some a them balls 'n thinkin' 'bout standin' up fer wha's righ'... Though I sure as hell don' wanna jump the gun 'n get all 'xcited 'n start hummin' a happy tune jus' yet..."

"Uh... Hank...?"


"You said them heart-shaped pizzas are liable ta lead ta lewdness of all kinds, huh...?"

"Yep. All kinds..."

"So's... How 'bout once we get this here pizza home we cut it inta a big ol' heart-shape on our own... 'n see jus' wha' kinda lewdness it migh' lead to...?"

"Guess 'm willin' ta risk bein' brought ta m' knees if'n you are..."

Happy Valentine's Day...
(and a cautiously optimistic President's Day...)

From Ed and Hank
(and Henry, who, truth be told,
would probably prefer the status quo.)


"Shit... I shoulda took a picture a tha' there pizza...
Ya cut it inta a heart shape real good, Ed...
I jus' got so's hungry I plain fergot."

"Ain't Betty gonna wan' tha' camera back soon?"

"Nah... She jus' got a new one
so's she said I could keep it 'til we got 'round
ta gettin' another one."

"Shit. Remind me ta thank her next time I see her."

"So's... Ya wan' some dessert...?"

"You ever known me ta turn down dessert?"


"But I didn' think we had nothin' in the house..."

"Thought I'd try somethin' new..."

3 eggs
1 stick butter, melted
1 1/2 c. sugar
2 tbsp. flour
2 tbsp. vinegar
1 tbsp. vanilla
1 unbaked 9 inch pie shell
Preheat oven to 300 degrees. In a medium bowl, combine eggs, butter, sugar, flour, vinegar and vanilla. Blend well. Pour mixture into pie shell. Bake for 45 minutes.

"Humble pie, huh...?"

"Yep. Figured I'd better eat some 'cause
I said I would if'n I didn' really take no break from writin' 'bout us
after I wrote I was gonna 'n all but I sure don' seem ta be...
takin' much of a break, that is..."

"Tha' pie don' sound too good."

"Ya wanna make it a l'il more interestin'...?"

"Whatcha got in mind...?"

"Bet I can get it in the oven in thirty minutes."

"You gotta make the crust?"


"Whaddya wanna bet?"

"The usual...?"

"Yer on."

37 minutes and 24 seconds later...



49 minutes after that...

"Don' smell too good.
Don' look too good neither..."

"Don' look that bad."

"Think maybe ya did somethin' wrong, Hank..."

"Don' know what...
It weren't like there was much ta do..."

"Looks like a big ol' scab on top a tha' pie...
Feels like it too..."

"Stop pickin' at it, Ed."

"'S weird..."

"Maybe it'll be better when it cools some."

"Maybe. But I wouldn' bet on it if'n I were you."

33 minutes later...

"Here... I'll be brave 'n taste it first...
I'm the one tha's s'posed ta be eatin' it after all..."

"Better you than me, Hank..."

"Thanks a lot."

"Well...? How is it...?"

"It ain't as bad as ya'd think..."

"It ain't...?"

"Nope... 'S a whole lot worse than tha'."

"It is, huh...?"

"'S hard ta describe...
It's jus' real sweet 'n real greasy 'n kinda stomach turnin'...
So's... ya wanna piece, Ed...?"

"Fer the first time in m' life...
I think 'm gonna have ta say 'no' ta dessert."

"Wise man."

"Seem ta recall you sayin' ya'd eat a big ol' piece a it...
You gonna go back on yer word...?"

"Was justa figure a speech.
Like one a them there campaign promises...
Don' think folks'd be so's mean as ta really hold me ta tha'..."

"Guess ya'd better throw it out..."

"Sure don' like the thought a wastin' food...
Hey... Maybe Iristhecat migh' like it...?
Could fatten her up some..."

"Idea is ta get her ta trust us, Hank...
Not drive her 'way."

"Cain't even compost it with them ingredients...
I guess I'd better throw it out."


"Shit... 'S Valentine's Day 'n we don' even get no dessert..."

"I got an idea... how 'bout we have some a tha' there 'whatnot' instead...?
Maybe topped off with a big ol' scoop a lewdness..."

"You ever known me ta turn down 'whatnot', Ed?"

"Not gen'rally."

"'N I ain't gonna start now... It's jus' tha'..."


"Think m' stomach needs a l'il while ta recover..."

"Ya only had one bite, Hank..."

"Belch... Ugh."

"Take as long as ya need, dumbass..."


"You feelin' better, Hank...?"


"Wha'd ya do with tha' scarf from earlier...?"

"'S right over there... I was gonna give it ta Bill tomorrow ta give ta Betty ta give ta someone she thinks migh' like it... Maybe one a her nieces or somethin'... Why...?"

"How 'bout ya jus' give it ta me instead...?"

"You wan' it...? A big ol' pink scarf with hearts on it...?"


"Fer wha'...?"


"Now why the hell didn' I think a tha'...?"

"Guess yer gettin' a l'il slow in yer old age... 'Sides... I'm the one tha' won tha' bet... Now give me yer other wrist, old man..."

"'S beginnin' ta seem more like I'm the one tha' won tha' there bet..."

"Yeah...? Maybe 'm jus' tyin' ya up so's I can put on whatever music I wanna listen ta tonigh'..."

"Johnny Cash here we come... 'I fell in ta a burnin' ring a fire... I went down, down, down... 'n the flames went higher... 'n it burns, burns, burns... this ring a fire... this ring a fire'..."


"Shit. I ain't never heard Edthedog make a noise quite like tha' before..."

"Was kinda unearthly, weren't it...?"

"Maybe ya better tell him yer okay, Hank... You bein' tied up 'n all migh' be settin' him off more 'n usual..."

"Hey, dumbass... I'm okay... You go join Hankthedog downstairs... We got some real important, top-secret, super-ultra-mega classified matters tha' don' concern you ta attend to up here..."


"Good dog."

"Tha' weren't the song I had in mind anyways... Here..."


"You gotta be kiddin' me...?"


"There's a love knot in yer lariat, huh, Ed...?"

"You oughta know..."

"Guess yer pinin' fer them blue eyes again..."

"Told ya before... A fella can dream, cain't he...?"

"'Fraid 'm gonna have ta draw the line at bein' yer 'praire pet'..."

"'Fraid you ain't in no position ta be drawin' no lines. 'Sides... tonigh' you've seemed a lot more like tha' there 'ornery stray'..."

"Thanks a lot."

"Yer welcome. Now... let's hope them dogs found somewheres soundproof ta hide... 'cause 'm gonna make ya 'yodel-lay-hee-hoo' real good."

"Well, yippee-ki-yi-ay ta tha'..."

"Love ya, dumbass."

"Love you too, dumbass."


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From: cynical21
2008-02-20 07:09 pm (UTC)
Don't think I've ever commented before on your story - and it wasn't because I didn't enjoy it. Just that I don't comment a whole lot, because of too little time and too much to do. But I absolutely MUST speak up with a big old "Bravo" for all of this. Love the whole take on the narrow-minded concerns of the superreligious - the ones who see only the evils of sex, love, and "perversion" and turn a blind eye to all the real wrongs of our ailing society.

Thanks for a big laugh and lots of thought provoking conversation.

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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-22 04:41 pm (UTC)
Glad you're enjoying Ed and Hank. And yeah, them bible-thumpers really drive Hank crazy sometimes. (Of course, according to Ed, Hank's already half-way there so they've got a pretty good head start.)
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From: ellenlj
2008-02-20 07:30 pm (UTC)

big fun

and love the tender lover revealed whenever an upset Hank melts the veneer of grumpy Ed

and greasy and sweet and stomach-turning - why, I've made the same pie!

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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-22 04:53 pm (UTC)

Re: big fun

LOL! My condolences for having made the same pie. Ugh.

And yeah, Hank knows he's pretty damn lucky to have Ed there for him, he let's Hank rant and rave when he needs to, (like you all do too), but knows how to... uh... distract... him too. (Or to paraphrase the Dixie Chicks, Ed knows how to keep the world at bay for Hank.)
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From: carol1943
2008-02-20 07:32 pm (UTC)
Note to self... don't read Ed and Hank while babysitting. I got a whole lot of "What you laughing at Gramma?" and "Can I read it too?" and "Well, can you read it to me?" and "If it's funny why can't kids read it?". I had to cause a mysterious laptop crash and then sneak back in to comment.

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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-22 05:36 pm (UTC)
LOL! Always happy to make you laugh!

Maybe Hank should write a completely G-rated children's version? Although I think a lot might be lost in the translation. And Hank knows absolutely nothing about kids.
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[User Picture]From: torry28
2008-02-20 07:38 pm (UTC)
Amen to all of the above.
Poor Hank seems to be a bit down and I can't blame him he is
absolutely right. Sweet Ed got him good and tied up and got him good. I said that already. I guess Ed made Hank forget the ugliness of the world for a little while, well not the world exactly just some of the mean minded inhabitant's in it.
Its a great day for me when ever you all show up.
Thanks and you have a great weekend.
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-22 06:06 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Torry. (Loved the "Amen".) And, yeah, the world wears on Hank sometimes, but Ed definitely knows how to help Hank forget about it for a while (and work those frustrations out at the same time. :) ) Hope you have a great weekend too!
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From: mazaher
2008-02-20 07:47 pm (UTC)
I love it when they talk about politics.
I love it when they talk about food.
I love it when they whatnot.
I love things like "Idea is ta get her ta trust us, Hank... Not drive her 'way."
And maybe I'm just hungry, but the pie doesn't look so bad.
No worse than some Sumerian stuff I know.
Which by the way may perhaps instil some real fear of God (one or more of them, Sumerians had plenty in store) into those bible-thumpers.
I'll better stop here now and go back to laughing my head off.
Thank you for not-posting again!
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[User Picture]From: not_hathor
2008-02-21 05:21 am (UTC)


Don't generally see that kinda behavior from a major appliance.... yep, those Sumerian and Mesopotamian deities were real big inta' 'smitin'....

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[User Picture]From: schlopki
2008-02-20 08:28 pm (UTC)
"Elbows brushin' even...?"


sometimes it's just nice to take a break from the break, no? =)
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-22 06:24 pm (UTC)
Hank may just go back and delete any reference to any so-called break so that he doesn't have to make and eat any more of that awful humble pie. :)
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[User Picture]From: jennasts
2008-02-20 09:08 pm (UTC)
A day when Hank does-not-post is surely a good day!

I love how Hank lets us know exactly what he thinks about politics and folks who are interested only in the private doings of others instead of torture and other horrific acts perpetrated in the name of good. Good for you, Hank!

Love those guys. So glad to see you are still not-posting.
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-22 06:31 pm (UTC)
Yeah, them folks drive Hank more than a little crazy. And living where they make up a very large majority of the population really gets to him sometimes.

And thanks, Hank hopes to continue not to post in the future. :)
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[User Picture]From: trekfan
2008-02-21 02:27 am (UTC)
Aw I loved how Hank and Ed wanted a heart shaped pizza. Now about that couch, they ever going to get a new one?

so they can get into that whatnot stuff ;)

very nice

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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-22 06:40 pm (UTC)
Yeah, Hank was kind of surprised when Ed wanted a big ol' heart-shaped pizza, but Ed is just a big ol' romantic at heart.

"No I ain't."

"Yes ya are."

They think they fixed their old couch. They opened it up and glued it and screwed it together and then clamped it for a while and then wrapped it all up in a whole lotta duct tape just because it seemed like a good idea... So far it's held up to sittin', but they haven't put it to the whatnot test yet...
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From: forevermare
2008-02-21 03:07 am (UTC)
"I see him... 'Course the thing them bible-thumpers don' seem ta get is tha' this here country's already well on its way ta goin' down on its knees on accounta all them dickheads in Congress that ain't never had the balls ta stand up to them two big ol' boobs in the Whitehouse... 'N tha' would be the same pair a big ol' boobs them dumbass bible-thumpers voted fer..."

AMEN, Hank!

Here's another one for ya Hank. What about how you never see the Brokeback Mountain DVD being sold at "family" places like WalMart, but you can find things like "Saw" and "Goodfellas." So I guess bible-thumpers will tolerate blood, gore, extreme cruelty and extremely foul language but not a story of two men who love one another. With love of any kind being considered sinful, I have no doubts about why this world is so "f'd" up!

Thanks for visiting us guys! I needed the laughs.

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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-23 01:34 am (UTC)

Glad it made you laugh. Hank has to laugh about it sometimes otherwise he's afraid his head might explode. And not in a good way, but more like in a "Goodfellas" kind of way...

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[User Picture]From: not_hathor
2008-02-21 05:28 am (UTC)

You fellas still need a couch?

We got an extra one due to consolidating two full households of furniture, but you'll have to come and get it before Feb. 29th!

(would darn near make my month, to find my favorite 'uncles' out on our front step, along with Cousin 'Blue).

Just be careful about the flooded Interstate exit (stupid ice jams on the river....)

I'll make pie!

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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-23 04:26 am (UTC)

Re: You fellas still need a couch?

Thanks for the offer, it's very much appreciated, but Ed and Hank attempted to fix their own, (it was quite an operation, involving glue, screws and plenty of duct tape), and they're hoping it holds up for a while.

They will be stopping by for pie though, so thanks for the warning about the flooded Interstate exit. Trust me, if there's pie involved they'll find a way to get there.

Good luck with consolidating two full households of furniture. It sounds like an awful lot of work.
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[User Picture]From: samtyr
2008-02-22 02:21 am (UTC)
Awwwww, I love the heart-shaped pizza bit. :) Not too sure about the humble pie though, interesting recipe -- I'm almost tempted to make it next time I have to bring a pie somewhere that I don't want to... heh heh.
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-23 04:29 am (UTC)
Hank loved the heart-shaped pizza too. Next time he'll try to remember to take a picture.

And Hank would definitely recommend making that pie if you never want to be asked to bring anything again. :D
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[User Picture]From: huladavid
2008-02-24 04:20 pm (UTC)


The other day a black lab showed up on the farm looking for someone to play with. Jeff told me his name was Hank.

So far no sign of Edthedog...
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-26 05:43 am (UTC)

Re: Hankthedog

Whew... Had to go check... Hankthedog is sleeping downstairs.

Sure hope TheotherHankthedog found someone to play with though.
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[User Picture]From: joetheone
2008-02-25 04:53 am (UTC)


I am very happy in how you brought out the politics of things then gave us some good things to think about and well pizza is what Pat and Joe had on Valentines day also hmm I guess a gay thing or well just not brave enough to face that akwardness of dinner for two on Valentines day in a restaurant of course next year I will have the guts. Lordy we do it 4-5 days a week anyhow not sure why we did not that one day. Oh well, maybe next year. I have to go look for a couple of scarfs you got my interest arroused here in what to do with those. LOL Joe
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2008-02-26 05:38 pm (UTC)

Re: Yipee

LOl! Glad the scarf aroused some post-Valentine's day interest(!) Hope you found some and put them to good use.

And Hank's not entirely sure if Ed's beer excuse was the whole story, but he's willing to accept it for now... I guess We'll all just see about next year, though...
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