On the road again...
(But not exactly how Hank expected...)
We're gonna be crossin' tha' Mississippi River...
Wouldya take some pictures...?"
"Meant of the river
"Ya know if'n ya'd let me
could take pictures a whatever ya wanted ta..."
"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind..."
This one where yer flippin' me off turned out kinda blurry...
Wouldya mind doin' that again...?"
"Be glad ta."
'N I mean tha'..."
"So's... this is Wisconsin, huh...?"
"Yep. America's Dairyland..."
"Looks kinda like a l'il scruffier version a Iowa."
"Good job, Ed...
Think ya just insulted all the fine folks
tha' reside in Wisconsin."
"Didn' mean 'scruffier' in a bad way...
Think maybe there's jus' more trees... Or somethin'...
Hell... I dunno..."
"Hey... Lookit them cows...
Sure hope they got the proper gover'ment permits required
ta assemble like tha'..."
"Does look like they're up ta somethin'..."
"They're prob'bly plottin' how ta get them giant cow statues we saw in Iowa
outta tha' state 'n inta Wisconsin... Where they belong...
Giant cows are s'posed ta be in Wisconsin."
"Iowa oughta have giant pigs.
'N we didn' see even one giant pig statue."
"Ya wanna see a giant pig, huh, Ed...?"
"Didn' say I wanted
ta see one... Jus' said we didn'
There's a diff'rence, dumbass."
"So's ya wouldn'
wanna see a giant pig statue...?"
"If'n I were ta happen ta drive righ' by
a giant pig maybe I'd stop 'n take a look...
But I sure as hell wouldn' go outta m' way ta see one...
Not like some other dumbass I know..."
"Sure wish our town had some giant statues...
We jus' got regular-size statues...
like Henry 'n some others..."
"'N tha' dumbass lighthouse on the south end a town..."
Gotta tell ya, Hank... I jus' don't get tha'..."
"Think it's s'posed ta be funny...
on accounta the nearest ocean's a helluva long ways away...
'N tha's as the crow flies..."
"Be a real tired crow by the time he gets there."
"Or maybe they jus' got a real good deal on it...
Ya know... half price or somethin'... 'n they couldn' pass it up..."
"Lucky fer us it weren't buy one get one free."
"Hell... It shoulda been a giant sheep...
We should least-wise have a few giant sheep 'round..."
"Our state does got a whole lotta sheep."
"Maybe I could start buildin' a giant sheep statue
in the field behind the barn..."
"Behind the barn...?
Hell... Why not in fron' a the house...?"
"Somehow don't think ya mean tha'..."
"Damn right I don't. 'Sides...
A giant sheep statue might aggravate the horses...
'N them dogs... bound ta irritate the hell outta them dogs....
Maybe even give 'em some kinda complex...
Sure do miss them dogs..."
"Me too, Ed. But Bill said they're doin' good..."
"Miss Bill too. 'N the horses.
'N I miss workin'..."
"You would miss workin'..."
"'Fraid 'm gettin' all soft..."
Sure as hell coulda fooled me last nigh'..."
"Yer mind got any other tracks, dumbass...?"
"One or two maybe...
But that one's definitely m' fav'rite..."
"Jeez, Ed... Know I said it before...
But I swear 'm gonna put a big ol' bell on ya one a these days..."
"Good luck with tha'.
So's... Yer up earlier than usual...
Thought I'd get up here early 'nough ta wake ya up..."
"Yeah... I jus' started tryin' ta write 'bout our trip again... 'Course I shouldna been lookin' at the news first... 'cause then I jus' get all ticked off 'bout stuff... Tell ya... it was a real treat ta hear tha' Congresswoman... Sally Kern her name is... sayin' tha' 'gay folks are worse than terrorists' 'n tha' we're infiltratin' schools 'n all... Betcha anythin' a fine upstandin' Christian lady such as herself is all fer waterboardin' prisoners too... 'N didya hear what our fearless leader said...? 'Bout how he's 'envious' a them soldiers in Afghanistan...? He said how if'n he were 'younger and not employed here' that he thinks it'd be 'fantastic' 'n 'exciting' 'n 'romantic'... ta be over there 'confrontin' danger' 'n buildin' a democracy... Guess tearin' down our own democracy ain't romantic 'n excitin' 'nough fer him... Hey... I got an idea... Maybe we could all pitch in 'n send him over to Afghanistan or Iraq when he's done here so's he can fill up on all the romance 'n 'xcitement tha's so sorely lackin' in his own life... 'Course if'n he were ta get his leg blown off or somethin' tha' migh' take some a the romance outta it fer him..."
"But there is some good news... Tha' General Petreaus is sayin' tha' tha' surge is actually workin'... turns out the whole problem with it is tha' them Iraqis ain't takin' the proper advantage of it... But he does concede how some a them insurgents migh' not be total idiots 'n tha' they migh' jus' be sittin' it out fer a while 'n waitin' fer tha' there surge ta end... 'Course we've also been payin' 'em not ta shoot at us... I imagine that helps some... Least-wise 'til we stop payin' 'em... Shit, Ed... I gotta tell ya..."
"Ya don't gotta tell me nothin'... I know how bad it all is... 'bout all we can do is keep writin' all them letters protestin' wha's goin' on... 'n hope there migh' be a change fer the better this year... Now... C'mon, Hank... I wantcha ta get up from tha' chair 'n back away from tha' there computer... real slow-like..."
"C'mon yerself, dumbass... I'll come out 'n help ya in an hour or two... I ain't wrote 'bout our trip in a month a Sundays... Least-wise tha's what it's seemed like..."
"Well it's waited tha' long so's it can wait a l'il longer... We're goin' campin'. 'N we're leavin' righ' now."
"Campin'...? Wha' the hell are ya talkin' 'bout...? Ya wanna go spend some time in that ol' trailer out back again or somethin'...?"
"Bill's gonna watch the place fer the next week or more if'n we want... 'n his nephews are gonna help out on the weekends 'n after school if'n he needs it... Otherwise Betty'll keep him company some so's he don't get too lonely without us..."
"I ain't ready ta go campin'..."
"Well I am. I got the truck all packed... Got them camp pads 'n sleepin' bags 'n plenty a food 'n booze 'n whatnot... So's come on, already..."
"Yeah ya are. I packed jeans 'n t-shirts 'n underwear 'n socks fer ya... If'n ya think yer gonna be needin' a tuxedo we'll jus' stop 'n rent one on the way."
"No more buts... We been cooped up here on this ranch fer too long..."
"Guess these here wide open spaces are closin in on ya, huh, Ed...?"
"Not on me... But I think the whole damn world migh' be closin' in on you... Thought we should go somewheres where ya cain't keep up with the news fer a while... 'n tha' means ya gotta leave tha' laptop at home too... So's... You comin'...? Or am I takin' Bill 'n leavin' you here ta watch the place...?"
"I'm comin'... Wouldn' wan' Bill goin' with ya on our honeymoon instead a me..."
"Ain't a honeymoon, dumbass..."
"First trip since we 'xchanged them rings, ain't it...?"
"Then I think it qualifies as one a them honeymoons."
"Guess tha' means we hafta interrupt the second fer the third..."
"Hell... I'll take as many as I can get... So's... you got cds in the truck...?"
"Not no more 'n usual..."
"I'll grab some... Hey, Ed... How 'bout dog food...? You got dog food packed...?"
"'Course I don't... Why...? You developin' a taste fer it...? Hell... Sure would like ta take them dumbass dogs... but ya know they don't like drivin' 'round in the truck... Prob'bly on accounta bein' dumped like they were..."
"Yeah...? Well, I think maybe they finally got over it... Look out the window..."
"Shit. If'n tha' don't beat all... They musta managed ta jump in through that open window somehow... Sure as hell woulda liked ta have seen tha'..."
"Or maybe Bill let 'em in or somethin'..."
"It looks like Edthedog wants ta drive..."
"There's a big s'prise. Ya know... I bet they saw ya packin' up tha' truck 'n got worried we migh' be gone as long as we was last summer..."
"Or they're real sick a Iristhecat bossin' 'em 'round... Well... either way... guess I better go throw some dog food 'n whatnot in the truck..."
"While you do that I'll just post this real quick-like... So's folks'll know where we got ourselves off to..."
"Don't take too long, dumbass."
"Only be a couple a minutes, dumbass..."
"Yeah right... You better meet me by the truck in fifteen minutes."
"Make it thirty 'n ya got a deal."
"Fine. Thirty. But no more."
"Where we goin' anyways...?"
"You gettin' senile...? I already told ya... were goin' campin'...
"Ya know damn well I meant where
are we gonna go campin'..."
"How the hell should I know...? Jeez... Ya cain't 'xpect me ta do everythin'.
.. You pick a direction 'n we'll point the truck thataway 'n see where we end up... I'd jus' prefer it weren't no more 'n a daylight's drive away..."
"Hey... Maybe we could head up ta Yellowstone...?"
"Sorry ta disappoint ya... know how much ya love watchin' all them geysers eruptin' 'n all... but I bet most a them roads won't be open up there fer 'nother month or more..."
"True 'nough... Maybe I'll check the weather a few other places real quick-like..."
"Holdin' ya to tha' thirty minutes..."
"You shoulda gave me more time... I coulda made some plans..."
"'S 'xactly why I didn'..."
"Ya know... I kinda hate ta tell ya this... but it migh' be real busy wherever we end up, Ed... 'S spring break time a year 'n I think it migh' be Easter comin' up... 'S real early this year fer some reason... You okay with tha'...?"
"Shit... Didn' pay no attention ta when Easter was... But... Hell... Ya figure there's gotta be some corner a the west we can find ta call our own..."
"Well why don't we go see if'n we cain't find tha' corner..."
"Sounds good ta me."
"Yer welcome. Now hurry the hell up."
P.S. Okay, it's two
dogs and they're named Edthedog and Hankthedog, not Boo, and Ed and Hank aren't exactly gonna be livin' off the land and they've never been anywhere near Georgia or stolen from an old hen or any other creature for that matter... and, yeah, it's kinda a lame song, but y'all know Hank likes a lotta them lame old songs and he didn't exactly have too long to think on it anyways...
"Time's up, Hank...!"
"Be righ' there, Ed... Keep yer shirt on... Or not... Either way'd be fine with me. 'Course if'n I were ta be real honest, I'd have ta say that I'd prefer it off ya ta on ya... But I know ya wouldn' be real comfortable drivin' withou' yer shirt on 'n all... so's..."
"Hell... I'd take m' shirt and
m' pants off if'n I thought it'd make you move any faster..."
"Go on, Ed... give it a try... Let's see what happens..."
"How 'bout we jus' save the striptease fer later, dumbass... C'mon, already... we're wastin' daylight..."
"Just a sec..."
"Fine. 'M gonna go get Bill... ask him if'n he wants ta go with me... seein' as you don't seem ta..."
"You gonna strip fer him...? You better not strip fer him..."
"See ya in about a week, Hank..."
"Wait up, Ed..."