Love the one you're with...
"Ya know, Ed... I was thinkin'..."
"Don't even start, Hank... I ain't goin' ta San Francisco."
"Wha' the hell are ya talkin' about...?"
"I been seein' the mileage ta San Francisco on all a them signs... 'n I figure tha's gonna be the next thing outta yer mouth... how we ain't all tha' far from San Franciso 'n we might as well go..."
"Weren't gonna bring it up... Sure... I'd like ta get us there sometime... But I wouldn' wanna hafta worry 'bout havin' the dogs along 'n all... 'Sides... you'll know when I wanna go... 'cause I'll start puttin' flowers in yer hair... think you'd look good with a daisy or two tucked behind yer ear..."
"Know damn well why ya wanna go there..."
"Yeah... I wanna see tha' Golden Gate bridge 'n I wanna..."
"Ya wanna go where there's a whole buncha other queer fellas like us..."
"Ain't no one else like you, dumbass..."
"'N ya wanna go so's you can flirt with a whole buncha guys 'n be the belle a whatever bar ya drag me to..."
"Shit. Ya ain't gonna start up like that.. are ya...? Ya damn well better not... Hell... I like
ta talk ta folks... so's when I get the chance... which, by the way, ain't too goddamn often... I'm gonna talk ta whoever I damn well please whenever I damn well please 'n wherever I damn well please..."
"Fine. Maybe you should jus' go ta San Francisco on yer own so's ya don't got me weighin' ya down... 'n tha' way you can do more than talk if'n ya wanna... You can hang out with all them hippies... free love 'n love the one yer with 'n all tha' crap..."
"Think yer mixin' up yer neighborhoods, dumbass... and yer decades..."
"How 'bout if'n me 'n the dogs just hitch-hike home? So's ya don't gotta go all the way home jus' ta turn 'round in come all the way back. Wouldn' wantcha all wore out fer all them young fellas."
"You are such a colossal dumbass sometimes."
"'N don't think I don't know it. Shit.
"Ya gotta stop bein' so jealous, Ed... It's jus' plain stupid."
"I ain't jealous. It's just..."
"Bullshit. Yer as jealous as tha' there grass is green. 'N ya don't got no reason ta be."
"But yer always... Shit
... I think maybe... maybe I bore ya sometimes... 'N tha's why ya wanna talk ta other folks so's much..."
"Yer anythin' but borin', dumbass... 'n jus' 'cause I like ta talk ta other folks don't mean I'm bored with you
... We're jus' diff'rent tha' way... Hell... I'm more like Edthedog 'n Hankthedog... more outgoin' 'n all... 'n yer more like Iristhecat... more quiet-like 'n wary a folks..."
"Tha's what I'm afraid of... Tha' you'll get somewheres like San Francisco 'n turn inta a big ol' dog... sniffin' 'round all them other younger, more interestin' dogs out there."
"I already called ya a colossal dumbass, didn't I...?"
"Well consider yerself called it again, dumbass. Fuck. Ya think the only reason I ain't cheated on ya all these years is lack a opportunity 'n the minute I get somewheres with a lotta other queer fellas my dick's gonna end up runnin' amok...? Wha' the hell is wrong with you, Ed...?"
"Nothin'... I dunno... Shit... It's jus'... Shit
"Spit it out, dumbass..."
"It's jus' tha'... 'fore we left... I was lookin' at one a them books ya bought at that used bookstore last summer..."
"Hell... I ain't even read none a them books yet... 'Sides... it don't make no sense fer you ta be mad at me fer anythin' tha's in 'em..."
"Well I started readin' the first few pages of one of 'em... 'n tha' fella tha' wrote it... him 'n his fella... they were on vacation... 'n they were doin' it with other fellas like it weren't... like it didn'... Shit... I dunno..."
"Tha's him 'n his fella, Ed... It ain't us. 'N ya know damn well all gay folks ain't the same no more than all straight folks are the same... 'n fer some folks tha' kinda thing's okay... 'n fer some folks it ain't..."
"But... Would you...? Am I keepin' ya from...? Shit... Ya know I couldn' stand it if'n..."
"Dammit, Ed... Wha's bigger than colossal...? 'Cause tha's how big a dumbass you are. I know I migh' kid 'round like that a whole lot... like 'bout you 'n Bill... or you 'n Clint Eastwood... but you do it plenty too... hell... yer the one who was jokin' 'bout havin' that hot date with him the other night..."
"'N there's no way I would... or could... do nothin' like tha'... 'cause... like I already said a few hundred thousand times before... I love yer colossal dumb ass... more than I could ever say... 'n I know ya couldn' stand it... 'N by the way 'n just so's were real clear 'bout this... I couldn' stand it neither... if'n anyone else ever laid so's much as a hand on you... Or you on them..."
"Yeah, tha's so. 'N ya know damn well tha's so. But tha' don't mean I'm gonna stop kiddin' around about it. 'N tha' don't mean I'm gonna stop talkin' ta whoever I want whenever I want wherever I want."
"But... Come ta think a it... Maybe I'm the one tha's got somethin' ta worry 'bout... I bet yer a lot more likely ta be the one tha' migh' be in danger of havin' his dick run amok... 'n start tomcattin' 'round... They always say it's the quiet ones ya gotta look out fer... still waters runnin' deep 'n all tha'... "
"Dammit, Hank... Ya know I wouldn'..."
"Yeah... I know ya wouldn'. But... you should know I wouldn' neither... withou' me havin' ta tell ya so..."
"Yeah. 'N I do know ya wouldn'... 'n I'm sorry, Hank... 'bout sayin' all tha'..."
"'S okay, dumbass."
"Think tha'd be 'colossal' dumbass..."
"I stand corrected."
"'N you can be the belle a any bar ya wanna be the belle of..."
"Think 'm gettin' a l'il long in the tooth ta be the belle of any bar..."
"Thanks a lot."
"Ya know you were just fishin' fer a compliment..."
"Yeah. 'N I think maybe I deserve ta catch one after all tha'..."
"Okay... Yer teeth don't look all tha' long ta me."
"Thanks a lot, dumbass."
"Yer welcome. 'N... Hank...?"
"If'n my dick starts ta run amok later... d'ya mind if'n I point it in yer direction...?"
"Ya point it at anyone else 'n I'd have ta kill 'em."
"Fair 'nough. So's... Hank...?"
"Wha' were ya gonna say...? When ya said you were thinkin' somethin'...?"
"Alls I was gonna say... is that I was thinkin' maybe we could go out fer some pancakes this mornin'..."
"Pancakes, huh...? I could go fer some pancakes."Later...
"Them were purty good pancakes... Not as good as back home... but purty good..."
"Ain't easy ta make a great pancake, but it's hard ta make a real bad pancake."
"I been lookin' at the map 'n I was thinkin' maybe..."
"You... been lookin' at the map...? You never look at the map..."
"Yeah, I do."
"No ya don't."
"Well I was lookin' at it last nigh'... 'n I was thinkin'... maybe from here we could head north justa l'il more 'n then east fer a while 'n then south fer a bit 'n then east again 'n then up a few thousand feet or more 'til we run smack dab inta a whole buncha big ol' trees..."
"Big ol' trees, huh...?"
"Yep. They're kinda on the way home... not too far outta the way anyways... prob'bly not much more outta the way than tha' Carhenge place ya took me to last summer... 'n I been wantin' ta see them Giant Sequoias... compare 'em ta them redwoods we seen last summer... 'N I know we better be gettin' back home 'n all... but I thought maybe we could jus' go fer a day or two... on the way..."
"Ya sure as hell don't gotta twist my arm, Ed..."
"Ya don't mind not headin' back the way we came
back down the coast 'n all...?"
"Cain't say I ain't gonna miss the ocean...
'S been just what I needed..."
"Sure has been nice..."
"But... I'll be happy ta follow ya anywheres ya wanna lead, Ed... happy as a clam even... 'specially if'n we ain't been there before... But..."
"D'ya think them roads are open...?"
"They ain't marked 'closed in winter' on this here map... like some a them in Yosemite are... so's I figure maybe they are..."
"Well... how's about we go see...? We can always find someone ta ask 'fore we go too far in tha' direction... But... ya do know them dogs won't be allowed on any a them trails there, dontcha...?"
"We don't gotta do nothin' too long... 'n so's long as it ain't too hot they'll be okay in the truck on their own... fer a l'il while at a time anyways..."
"Don't think it's gonna be anywheres near hot..."
"Can still get hot in the truck... if'n tha' sun's beatin' down..."
"Shoudn' have no trouble findin' parkin' in the shade..."
"Prob'bly still be mostly snow covered..."
"Shoulda brought our ol' snowshoes... Didn' think we'd be goin' anywheres with snow..."
"Thought you was always prepared fer anythin'...?"
"Ya only gave me a few minutes ta get ready fer this whole trip, dumbass... 'Sides... I may always be ready fer anythin'... but I ain't necessarily prepared fer it..."
"Hey look... Tha's a good sign, Ed..."
"Shit. Think this camera's fin'lly bitin' the dust...
"Don't tell me ya broke Betty's camera now...?"
"This ain't Betty's... this is ours."
"Thought ours already bit the dust... back around Christmastime...
when ya dropped it fer the third time when we were campin'...
hit a big ol' rock 'n sank inta the snow..."
"Yeah. It did. 'N then it came back ta life,
kinda like one a them miracles... but I think it's fadin' again...
won't hardly focus on nothin' no more...
"Don't ya got Betty's camera along too?"
"Nope. Didn' wanna take it...
Figured I'd drop it in the ocean or somethin'..."
"Just hope it holds out 'til we get back home..."
"With my luck it prob'bly will."
"Hey, Ed... Yer gonna like this newspaper they gave us...
They list everythin' tha' can kill ya or hurt ya here on one page..."
"Yeah...? Like wha'..."
"Lessee... it says here tha' yer s'posed ta
steer clear a trees 'cause they migh' topple over on ya
or their limbs migh' drop down on ya..."
"We're s'posed ta steer clear a trees...?"
"Prob'bly jus' suspicious-lookin' ones...
'n ya gotta be careful not ta fall off somethin' or drown
'n ya gotta watch out fer the plague 'n poison oak 'n ticks
'n giardia 'n hypothermia 'n tha' West Nile virus
'n cougars attackin' ya 'n bears eatin' ya
'n big ol' rattlesnakes bitin' ya
'n lightnin' strikin' ya...
'n hail too..."
"Does it say anythin' 'bout squirrel's...?"
'cause tha' squirrel's comin' right at us...
'n he looks kinda crazy..."
A few miles later...
"Tha' squirrel ain't still chasin' us... is he...?"
"Think we fin'lly lost him."
Them are some big ol' trees..."
"They sure are."
"They're a lot bigger 'round than them ones on the coast...
fer the most part anyways..."
"Them other redwoods... them coast ones...
are s'posed ta be taller."
"I'll just hafta take yer word fer it."
"Jeez... Didn' quite 'xpect so's many folks ta be here..."
"Least-wise all them folks provide some scale fer them trees...
'S real hard ta take pictures of 'em..."
"Then how 'bout ya put down the camera
'n just enjoy lookin' at 'em fer a l'il while maybe...?"
"How 'bout we take a walk...?
from the looks a some a the footwear I been seein'
we prob'bly don't gotta go too far ta leave most folks behind..."
"Still cain't believe ya asked tha' woman if'n you could
take a picture of her feet."
"Hell... I still cain't believe
she was wearin' them flip-flops in the snow 'n cold...
'Sides... worst she coulda done
is said 'no'."
"'N smacked ya a good one."
"She didn' look real dangerous...
Jus' damn cold..."
"'N kinda scared...
Prob'bly ain't eve'ry day she has
a strange fella come up 'n wanna take a picture
of her feet 'n all..."
"Did seem like I spooked her some...
Maybe she thought I had one a them foot fetishes..."
"Great. She'll report ya ta the rangers 'n you'll be put on
some kinda perverts of the national parks
most wanted list..."
"Don't worry, Ed...
Think I'll be able ta convince 'em
tha' yer feet are the only ones I got a fetish fer..."
A little later...
"Wha's wrong, Hank...?"
"Jus' saw tha' woman who was wearin'
them flip-flops gettin' inta a van with a big ol' sign on it...
But I missed gettin' a picture 'cause I was changin' the batteries
'n by the time I was done they was gone..."
"Thought ya already got a picture of her feet...?
'Xactly how many d'ya need...?"
"Wanted a picture a their sign...
Mus' be a buncha them bible thumpers 'cause it said,
'If you're living like there is no God, you'd better hope you're right'."
"Guess they're part a the fire 'n brimstone crowd..."
"'N not 'xactly the brightest coals in the fire...
Think they were goin' fer judgemental 'n threatenin' with tha' sign...
but while they were so busy bein' all self-righteous
a l'il envy... 'n some doubt in their own faith...
slipped right on through..."
'fore ya get yer self off on a rant....
How 'bout we ferget 'bout them 'n their sign
'n go take tha' walk...?"
A short while later...
"This is a lot nicer... ain't it, Hank...?"
"Yeah... There's a whole lot fewer people over here..."
"'S real purty... 'n peaceful too..."And a while after that...
"'Xactly how long are ya gonna stand there, Hank...?"
"Jus' waitin' fer someone ta come along across the way...
ya know... fer scale 'n all..."
"Ain't no one in sight... here or there..."
"Someone's bound ta come along...
sooner or later..."
"Wha'...? Where ya goin', Ed...?"
"Jus' figured maybe we could pass the time
behind this here big ol' tree..."
"Good idea... 'Cause there's a boy... righ' next ta you...
'n he's jus' waitin'... fer somethin' ta do..."
"You been waitin' all day ta sing tha' ta me...
Haven't ya, dumbass...?"
"Yep. 'Love the One Yer With' 'n all...
Or I guess I should say 'Love the Dumbass Yer With'..."
"Lucky fer me the dumbass I love is the dumbass I'm with..."
"Think tha's lucky fer me."(Btw, If you don't know the song Hank was 'singing' it's here:
"Ya know, Hank... I gotta admit...
I always was kinda jealous a them hippies..."
"Jealous...? I thought ya didn' approve
of all tha' free love 'n whatnot..."
"I dunno... 's more like...
I'd see them hippies on TV... or somethin'...
'n I'd get jealous a them feelin' free 'nough... 'n bein' strong 'nough...
ta be who they wanted ta be 'n ta live how they wanted ta live
withou' carin' that a whole buncha folks hated 'em...
'n I wanted ta be like tha'... strong 'nough
ta not care 'bout other folks
'n strong 'nough ta be
"But ya did do that, dumbass...
not real loud-like or so's anyone much noticed...
'n ya may not have had real long hair 'n been dressed in tie-dye...
though come ta think a it... tha's somethin' I'd like ta see...
'n a 'course it took ya a helluva long time...
give or take a day or two...
But ya did it..."
"More or less anyways...
More like less..."
"More like more if'n ya ask me..."
"So's... You think a somethin' ta do...?"
"Yep."A few minutes later...
"Jeez, Ed... Damn
"Guess I find these big ol' trees kinda inspirin'..."
"C'mon back here, Ed...
"I think we better find ourselves a campsite...
'fore I get too much more inspired 'n them folks from tha' van
come along 'n get an eyeful they won't
"Yeah... a big ol' eyeful a somethin' tha'd rival these big ol' trees...
Although pers'nally... I'd like ta get my self
a big ol' mouthful..."
"Get away from my belt buckle, Hank..."
"Damn... I guess we should get goin... But...
I kinda doubt anyone in flip-flops would make it this far..."
"Cut it out, Hank..."
"Then again... ya never know...
could be them bible-thumpers got the ability
ta walk barefoot on top a the snow withou' the frost
bitin' at their big ol' toes..."
There's some folks 'cross the way now...
so's you can take tha' picture ya wanted ta take..."
"I need a second, Ed...
How 'bout you take it...? Here's the camera..."
"Okay... Here ya go...
Them folks are jus' l'il specks 'neath them big ol' trees...
but I think it's in focus anyways..."
"Thanks, Ed... the way you got my head spinnin'
I don't think I woulda been able ta tell..."
A little later...
on the way to the campground
"Give it a rest, Hank..."
"I'm just sayin'...
a lotta folks never seen the space shuttle
or the the statue a liberty or a blue whale standin' upright on its hind fin
or one a them brachiosauruses... Or would it be brachiosauri...?
I sure as hell ain't seen none a them in person...
So's it ain't 'xactly real helpful..."
"Thought you had one a them brachiosauruses
as a pet when you were a kid...?"
"Real funny, dumbass...
Don't ferget yer just as old as me...
But I jus' think they least-wise coulda put a picture
of a twenty-story buildin' or somethin'
on tha' postcard too..."
"I betcha there's some folks where we live
tha' ain't ever seen a twenty story buildin' neither."
"Yeah... but even we got us tha' new four-story buildin' in town...
so's you could get an idea by multiplyin' it by five..."
"Tha' thing's a goddamn eyesore..."
"Or a football field...
most folks know how big
a football field is."
"Tha' card does got all them numbers off ta the side...
'n three hundred feet would be a football field...
So's folks should be able ta figure
that out easily enough..."
"Nobody pays no attention ta numbers like tha'...
They should have a twenty-story buildin'
'n a football field on there too...
with all the lines 'n the
goal posts too."
"No one forced ya ta buy the damn postcard, Hank..."
"But 'm jus' sayin'... Hey...
there's the campground, Ed..."
"'N thanks be fer tha'..."
And a while after that...
"Think I'm gonna make up m' own postcard... Put a picture a yer big ol' dick on it... 'n my dick 'n Clint Eastwood's dick..."
"'N you just happen ta know how big Clint Eastwood's dick is...?"
"I'll write ta his publicist 'n ask. 'N then maybe I'll have a picture of a blue whale's dick 'n a brachiosaurus' dick 'n maybe..."
"Think yer gonna have the same kinda problem that other postcard had... Ain't a whole lotta folks ever seen my dick or a blue whale's dick or tha' dinosaur's dick... 'course a fair number more prob'bly seen yers 'n Clint Eastwood's..."
"Yeah... but still prob'bly not more than 1.2... maybe 1.3 million folks... Give or take one or two... 'Course I cain't speak fer Clint Eastwood..."
"1.3 million, huh...? That ain't near as bad as I thought..."
"Maybe I could just add a picture of a foot-long sub...? Ya know... fer scale 'n all..."
"Wha' kinda foot-long sub...?"
"Why the hell would tha' matter...?"
"I'm a l'il hungry... We got anythin' good left...?"
"'S yer lucky day... It ain't quite a foot long... but I got a good-sized hunk a burnin' love over here... 'n it's free fer the takin'... First come first served..."
"Do I need ta take a number or somethin'...? Wouldn' wanna cut in fron' a no one... "
"C'mere, dumbass..."And later yet...
"You asleep, Ed...?"
"Yep. I'm dreamin' even... 'bout some dumbass talkin' ta me while I'm sleepin'."
"I wanted ta thank ya... Meant to earlier... but..."
"Pleasure was all mine."
"Not fer that... Although, I guess tha' sure as hell deserves a big ol' thank you too 'n a round of applause 'n maybe even a standin' ovation... 'cept I'm too lazy ta stand up..."
"Yer welcome. 'N you weren't so's bad yer self..."
"Thanks. I think. But I meant... thanks for tha' picture, Ed... the one tha' woman took of us... 'n how... right in fron' a her 'n her fella... ya put yer arms 'round me 'n pulled me close ta ya... Tell ya... I'm lucky you were holdin' on real tight or I mighta jus' keeled over from the shock a it..."
"Like I said... them big ol' trees just inspire me some..."
"I guess we shoulda come here forty years ago..."
"Trees wouldna been quite so's big then... Prob'bly wouldna been quite so's inspirin'..."
"Then I'm glad they're big 'nough ta inspire ya now."
"Guess we made here it at jus' the righ' time..."
"Ya know... I think maybe tha' picture's even in focus... from what I could see on tha' l'il screen anyways... Sure hope it is... 'N if'n it is... 'm gonna crop it some so's you can see us a l'il better 'n then blow it up 'n frame it fer us..."
"Maybe we could have two pictures 'n hang 'em next ta each other... one closer up so's you can see us better... 'n one just like it is... so's you can see clear-like tha' it's two big ol' trees growin' side by side... leanin' inta each other..."
"I like that idea a lot, Ed..."
"'S been a real nice trip, Hank..."
"Sure has been..."
"Love yer dumb ass..."
"Love your dumb ass too..."