"Wha' now, Hank...?"
"I was jus' takin' a break from writin' about Groovefest... 'n I seen this ad McCain's got attackin' Obama... It says Obama supports 'comprehensive sex education for kindergartners'... that he wants ta 'teach 'em about sex before they can read'..."
"Obama's handin' out condoms ta the kiddies now, huh...?"
"Guess tha's wha' McCain wants folks ta believe... It's crazy..."
"'Xactly how much lower can these republicans go...?"
"You prob'bly ain't seen nothin' yet..."
"'N I don't wanna see no more..."
"Mama told me not ta come..."
"Wha' the hell are you talkin' about...?"
"Nothin', Ed... 'S just an old song..."
"So's... wha's the truth behind the lie...?"
"It's a program ta teach l'il kids the diff'rence between good touchin' 'n bad touchin' so's they can protect themselves from perverts..."
"'N tha's somethin' them republicans don't
want 'em ta know...?"
"It would seem tha' way."
"They sure put on one helluva dog 'n pony show at their convention... I guess this is just the continuation... I'm confused though... McCain's a republican, right...?"
"'N he voted with Bush 'n them other republicans somethin' like 90% of the time... right...?"
"So's... Ain't it kinda ironic that him... 'n all a them other republicans... are all runnin' around yellin' about 'Country First' 'n yellin' fer change
... even though they're
the ones who've fucked our country up so bad ta begin with...?"
"Yep. But ev'ryone hates republicans now so's they gotta pretend McCain ain't one... 'n they gotta pretend Palin ain't one neither... So's... presto chango... they ain't republicans no more... they're 'mavericks'..."
"Yeah. Right. The kinda mavericks who'll jus keep on shovelin' more of the same old bullshit on top of us like they have been fer a long, long time... 'N worse even..."
"I guess irony 'n hypocrisy ain't concepts republicans are capable of recognizin'..."
"Maybe it's genetic."
"So's... D'ya think folks are gonna fall fer tha' Sarah Palin, Hank...?"
"A whole lot of 'em seem ta be... Hell... Ya know damn well how much folks in this country love our pitbulls... with or without lipstick..."
"Come ta think of it... I wonder if'n anyone's ever seen her 'n Cheney at the same time...?"
"Or Bush. I can't decided which one she reminds me of more..."
"Yeah. Me neither. 'S like some mad scientist found a way ta combine the viciousness of Cheney with half the brain of Dubya... Not tha' Dubya ain't vicious in his own right... in tha' frat-boy kinda way..."
"So's... D'ya think all them folks that are ticked off tha' Hillary Clinton didn't get the nomination 'n didn' get picked as Obama's runnin' mate are gonna vote fer her instead...?"
"McCain may still think so... but I don't... not if'n they were really Hillary supporters ta begin with anyways... 'cause by now ev'ryone knows that underneath that 'hockey mom' exterior Sarah Palin's justa big ol' anti-women, anti-choice, anti-gay, bold-face-lyin', polar-bear-hatin', environment-destroyin', global-warmin'-denyin', earmark-takin', would-be-book-censorin', ethics-act-violatin', god's-will-invokin', bible-thumper of the worst kind..."
"Maybe McCain thinks all they care about is electin' someone who don't got a dick...?"
"Tha's sure as hell what it seems like. 'N I'm hopin' tha' makes them folks mad enough tha' most of 'em who mighta sat out the election or voted fer McCain might get out 'n vote for Obama..."
"Well... I guess Palin must appeal ta all them crazy bible-thumpers alright."
"Hell yeah... Palin's a bible-thumper's dream come true... 'N I think tha's the main reason McCain picked her... Apparently it takes a real maverick ta keep panderin' ta them right-wing religious nut-jobs like ev'rybody else has been doin' fer years 'n years 'n years... 'N if'n ya ask me... fer McCain it's even worse... 'cause he went from callin' 'em 'agents of intolerance' in 2000 ta actually pickin' one of 'em fer his runnin' mate..."
"Tha's quite a change of heart he had..."
"You betcha. 'N just this past June Palin told folks at her church tha' she could do all the stuff she's s'posed ta do as governor... 'but none of tha' won't do any good if'n the people of Alaska's hearts ain't right with god
"'S quite a loophole she's leavin' fer herself."
"Yep... 'Uh... Sorry them nukes are flyin' towards us my fellow Americans... I did my job jus' fine... So's it must be because yer hearts ain't right with god'..."
"Hell... someone who thinks Jesus is comin' back ta earth in their lifetime would prob'bly think kick-startin' Armageddon is a good thing..."
"Yeah... her god's will be done 'n ta hell with the rest of us..."
"'N then there's all them folks still sayin' she's such a reformer..."
"'N if'n they really believe all that I've got a 'road ta nowhere' I'd like ta sell 'em..."
"I thought it was a 'bridge
"Tha' bridge don't exist... Ya know... 'cause she said 'Thanks, but no thanks' to it after Congress told her they weren't gonna fund it anyways... But she somehow fergot ta say 'Thanks, but no thanks' ta the road she had built ta the bridge she didn't want..."
"So's lemme get this straight... There's no bridge...?"
"But there is
a road out ta where the bridge ain't...?"
"Yep. A 25 million dollar road tha's only 3.2 miles long..."
"Tha' sounds about right fer a real republican reformer like herself."
"Well... them folks who support her are still real excited about her standin' up ta big oil..."
"Sure... she may have bitch-slapped big oil with tha' windfall profits tax... but they kissed 'n made up 'n they're still happily in bed together... 'Drill baby, drill' 'n all tha' crap..."
'Tha' was downrigh' creepy when all them republicans started chantin' that at tha' convention."
"It sure was. Real forward thinkin' of them folks ta wanna drill in that Alaskan wildlife refuge... D'ya s'pose anyone even bothered ta point out to 'em tha' they're lyin' about 20% of our energy comin' from Alaska 'n that even if'n they did open tha' refuge up ta drillin' tomorrow there'd be no impact on our gas supply fer years 'n years 'n years 'n even then it wouldn' be no more than a drop in the bucket so's it wouldn' hardly affect gas prices at all...?"
"Lyin'...? I thought they were runnin' around sayin' tha' Palin knew more about energy than anybody else in this here country...?"
"Yeah... 'N if'n folks believe that I've got some fungible commodities with unflagged molecules I'd like ta sell 'em..."
"But... don't all them folks in Alaska like her a whole lot...?"
"Most of 'em did at first... she had a real good approval ratin' right after tha' windfall tax thing... but it keeps droppin from wha' they're sayin' as folks find out more 'n more about her... 'N ya also gotta remember that Alaska's a real red state these days...'n even more corrupt than most... so's tha' republican she replaced weren't too hard an act ta follow..."
"'N I heard a lotta them bible thumpers have been movin' up there..."
"Yep. So's it's gettin' a l'il more like this here state... where McCain don't even feel the need ta spend any money at all on ads 'cause he knows all these folks would back them republicans right up ta 'n through the gates of hell 'n be more'n happy ta kiss the devil's ass if'n they wanted 'em to..."
"I think they already did."
"'N of course... they don't poll the polar bears..."
"Or them wolves 'n bears Palin encourages folks ta shoot in such a sportsmanlike way from them low-flyin' planes in the winter..."
"'N they don't let them vote neither."
"Maybe they should."
"There prob'bly ain't enough of 'em left ta make a diff'rence."
"Funny. I'm kinda startin' ta feel like tha' m'self."
"Yeah. Me too, Hank."
"I do gotta give Palin some credit though... from ev'rythin' I've been readin' it seems like she'll be a real natural at seizin' all that unprecedented executive power they got goin' on in Washington D.C. Hell... Tha' TrooperGate investigation findin' she abused her power 'n violated that ethics act.... tha' woulda took down Obama or Biden... but with her it were barely a blip on the radar..."
"'Course she was runnin' around tellin' ev'ryone they cleared her of any wrongdoin'..."
"'N at the same time she was sayin' it was a partisan witch-hunt..."
"Someone should prob'bly tell her ta pick one a them 'n stick with it..."
"Yeah. 'N if'n folks believe either one a her stories I got a 4,000 year old dinosaur bone I'd like ta sell 'em... or a big ol' pipeline..."
"Wait a minute... neither a them things exist neither..."
"Tha's why I'm gonna sell 'em fer twenty percent off... give folks a real good deal on 'em..."
"But don't ferget... Palin's got all tha' national security experience 'cause 'Alaska's righ' next ta Russia'."
"I still cain't believe she said tha'. Exactly how dumb do they think folks are...?"
"Pretty damn dumb."
"Hell... She wasn't even the first ta say it... Some talkin' republican head on Fox news said it first... Then they got our illustrious former governor ta say it in a speech... 'n then I guess Palin started ta believe it herself 'n thought it'd be helpful if'n she added that you can actually see Russia from Alaska..."
"Yeah... 'n I can see Nevada from here... but tha' don't make me a expert on gamblin'."
"Then again... We never go gamblin'... So's how would ya know...? You migh' be an expert 'n not even realize it, Ed..."
"I wouldn' bet on it."
"'N I wouldn' bet a plug nickle on Palin bein' any kind of an expert on Russia or energy or much of anythin' else neither... except maybe on how ta get herself a million dollar house built fer next ta nothin'..."
"'N didn't you say Palin linked Iraq with 9-11... while talkin' to them troops in Alaska headin' over there...?"
"'N these days don't Dubya 'n Cheney even admit that ain't true?"
"I got an idea, Hank... how 'bout we send Palin back ta Alaska so's she can keep a better eye on them Russians fer us...? We can put her out on some island with a pair of binoculars 'n a ham radio... First line of defense 'n all tha'... Maybe we can even get her god ta convince her that it's his will..."
"'N how 'bout we send McCain along ta keep her company...? It jus' wouldn' be right ta keep those two 'soulmates' apart..."
"Now tha' was real
odd... McCain callin' her his 'soulmate' like tha'..."
"'N not sexist at all."
"Yeah... I'm sure McCain would be callin' Joe Lieberman his 'soulmate' if'n he had picked him... like they said he wanted ta..."
"Hey, Hank... Maybe we should throw our hats in the ring... We got tha' part of it down good enough anyways..."
"Wha' part of it...?"
"No I don't."
"Yeah ya do."
"C'mon... Go ahead 'n say it, Ed..."
"Ya know damn well ya are, dumbass."
"Close enough. 'N yer mine too, Ed... Hey... I call VP."
"Maybe. But least-wise I know wha' the 'Bush Doctrine' is."
"Jeez... I couldn' believe Palin didn' even know tha' much... even with all the coachin' they musta done..."
"Yep. 'N I bet a lotta folks don't know tha's wha' they call all the pre-emptive bullshit they made up so's we could attack Iraq jus' 'cause we felt like it... But anyone runnin' fer vice president of this country damn well better know what it is 'cause tha's wha' started this big ol' ball a chaos rollin'... 'N it went against everythin' this country was s'posed ta stand fer before then..."
"Ya know, Hank... I still cain't hardly believe Palin's the one great hope of the republican party ta turn things around..."
"Guess the pickin's are purty slim when yer a republican maverick lookin' fer yer 'soulmate'."
"But... ya'd think even most a them republicans... them that ain't bible thumpers anyways... would think Palin were a real bad choice fer a runnin' mate... ya know... a heartbeat away 'n all... 'specially after them god-awful interviews... Ya'd think tha' woulda been enough ta do 'em both in... her fer not knowin' nothin' 'n him fer pickin' her in the first place..."
"Ya'd think... 'N like everyone said... She sure as hell looked like a deer caught in the headlights..."
"A real mean deer."
"You can say that again... 'N some a them more prominent republicans are
sayin' she ain't qualified... 'n they're gettin' fired or threatened or shunned fer doin' so... But gen'rally they're a lot better at closin' ranks than the democrats are..."
"Prob'bly 'cause if'n they don't they get fired or threatened or shunned."
"Prob'bly. 'N because they wanna win above all else... includin' the well-bein' of our country."
"Hell... I think Palin's got the potential ta be even more vicious 'n more stupid 'n more power-grabbin' than Bush 'n Cheney..."
"Yep. The thought a Palin runnin' this country scares the hell outta me... 'N the thought of McCain runnin' it ain't no better... He pretends ta be independent-minded but he ain't... 'n a lotta folks who knew him before are sayin' he ain't the same man... 'n a lotta other folks are sayin' he weren't never who he pretended ta be 'n who we're seein' now is the real John McCain... But like you said, Ed... he's voted with Bush ninety-some percent a the time... 'n he plays the P.O.W. card all the time but it don't take much diggin' ta figure out he don't support veterans or soldiers... 'N he's got a real bad temper... 'n a whole lotta folks think he could be one helluva war-mongerin'-son-of-a-bitch..."
"Weren't it Pat Buchanan who said 'McCain would make Cheney look like Ghandi'...?"
"Yep. Even some of the extremists think he's an extremist."
"'Course tha' won't stop 'em fer votin' fer him..."
"Nope. 'N by pickin' someone like Palin... someone folks don't know anythin' about... Hell... someone McCain
barely knew anythin' about... by pickin' her jus' two months before the election they got folks turnin' the spotlight on her 'n talkin' about pitbulls 'n lipstick 'n pigs 'n pregnant teenagers... 'n not
talkin' about how all them republicans... McCain included... dug us into a whole buncha real big holes over the past eight years... 'n tha' McCain's only answers fer gettin' us out of 'em is ta jus' grab the shovel from Dubya 'n keep diggin'..."
"I gotta admit... I do feel bad fer them kids... 'N I know just how they migh' be feelin'... Nora 'n me havin' had tha' shotgun weddin' of our own... Hell... we were as ignorant as they were... 'n I cain't even imagine bein' paraded in front a the whole country on top of all tha'... 'Course it's forty-some years later 'n ya'd hope kids would know more... 'n wouldn' be forced ta get hitched like that if'n they don't wanna... So's I hope they really wanna... but tha' still seems awful young ta me..."
"Guess that abstinence-only stuff don't work so well... Not when ya got the sex-drive of a teenager..."
"N you should know... 'cause you still do..."
"You complainin', Ed...?"
"Didn't think so. But ya know we're jus' provin' my point right here..."
"Well this here free-fallin' economy sure turned some attention back ta McCain..."
"You can say that again... I tell ya... tha' man was flip-floppin' around like a fish outta water... First he's fer the bailout 'n then he ain't 'n then he is again 'n then he ain't 'n then he says he's suspendin' his campaign 'n rushin' ta supposedly help save the world 'n sayin' he won't debate until it's all settled 'n then the folks workin' on it say he's jus' gettin' in the way 'n muckin' everythin' up 'n then he says fine, I will debate even though it ain't settled 'n then he does debate..."
"Ya'd think he woulda got a l'il dizzy..."
"I know I did. 'N I still am..."
"Yeah. Me too."
"But tha' was jus' the first week... 'n then after
the debate instead a rushin' back ta keep helpin' 'em save the world McCain's off on a date with Lieberman in Connecticut 'n after that he starts takin' credit fer ev'rybody reachin' an agreement 'n then next thing ya know ain't no one reached an agreement but he's still takin' credit fer bein' a leader while at the same time his campaign is releasin' statements sayin' he wasn't responsible fer leadin' no one nowheres 'n he jus' looks like a big ol' dumbass..."
"Yeah... Or like a maverick trapped in a box canyon."
"Only problem is we're all trapped in tha' box canyon with him 'n it's full a quicksand..."
"You can say that again..."
"In fact it all kinda seems like a real bad Western... Dubya 'n Paulson 'n all them bankers herd all the townsfolk inta this here box cayon 'n tell us that all the rich folks are in a whole lotta trouble 'n if'n the townsfolk don't give 'em all our money ta help get 'em out of it they're gonna drag us down inta the quicksand with 'em... 'n then the so-called cavalry rides up 'n says 'we'd better give 'em all yer money'... 'n then the townsfolk ain't sure wha' ta do... 'cause they sure as hell don't trust Bush 'n Paulson 'n them bankers... but they don't trust the so-called cavalry no more neither 'cause tha' so-called cavlary's been hangin' out with them bad guys 'n drinkin' 'n partyin' 'n whoopin' it up 'n jus' gen'rally aidin' 'n abettin' 'em fer years 'n years 'n years..."
"Tha's fer damn sure."
"So's then the townsfolk decide they ain't gonna take it no more 'n they say... 'Ya know wha'...? Screw the whole lot of ya... Maybe you ain't noticed... but we're already balls-deep in this here quicksand... 'n yer all more than welcome ta join us if'n ya'd like'... 'N then the so-called cavalry is momentarily stunned 'cause no matter wha's been done to them townsfolk before... or been done in their name... they usually didn't talk back like tha'... But eventually a diff'rent so-called cavalry rides up 'n they decide ta ignore the townsfolk 'n go ahead 'n give Bush 'n Paulson 'n all them bankers all the money anyways... along with a lotta presents fer that other so-called cavalry ta get them ta go along with it too... in the hopes tha' the bad guys would help pull everyone outta the quicksand instead a just pushin' 'em in further 'n takin' the money 'n runnin'..."
"'N don't ferget tha' the so-called cavalry wants ta try 'n save their own assets too of course..."
"Ya got one thing wrong though, Hank... Dubya 'n Paulson 'n McCain 'n them bankers 'n them republican members of tha' so-called cavalry are tryin' ta put all the blame on all the poor townsfolk 'n the democrat members of tha' so-called cavalry 'n their friends Fannie 'n Freddie fer runnin' us all inta tha' box canyon ta begin with..."
"Yeah... 'N if'n folks believe that I got about 50 trillion dollars worth of 'credit default swaps' I'd like ta sell 'em..."
"Are those them things that're like insurance fer them mortgage investments, but they weren't regulated so's the companies sellin' 'em didn't hafta have no cash on hand ta back 'em up with...?"
"Yep. First them companies hired mathematicians 'n physicists ta chop up 'n rebundle all them bad mortgages inta investments tha' weren't s'posed ta be bad no more... except they still were... 'n then..."
"Mathematicians 'n physicists...?"
"Yep. 'N then afterwards they sold folks these credit default swaps tha' were like guarantees fer these rebundled mortgage investments... but like you said... withou' no cash backin' 'em up in the event tha' they went bad... 'n a whole lot of 'em went bad when the subprime mortgage market crashed... 'n what's happenin' is tha' them credit default swaps are multiplyin' all tha' debt... 'n tha's wha's really bringin' down them companies..."
"Sounds a lot l like alchemy ta me... them bankers took a pile a shit 'n kept tryin' ta ta turn it inta gold 'n all they did was make bigger 'n bigger piles a shit..."
"Yep. Tha's it exactly. 'N I ain't sayin' tha' them bad mortages weren't what kicked it all off... 'cause they did... but them bad mortgages were mostly given out by privately held banks 'n mortgage companies 'n predatory lenders who knew damn well exactly wha' they were doin' ta folks... 'n I ain't sayin' tha' Fannie 'n Freddie weren't part a the problem... but they came in real late ta the whole thing... 'n I ain't sayin' tha' the democrats got squeaky clean hands in all this... 'cause a lot of 'em signed tha' Commodity Futures Modernization Act tha' legalized 'n deregulated these credit default swaps in 2000... BUT... it was Phil Gramm 'n Alan Greenspan 'n the GOP tha' really pushed fer tha' bill... 'n tha' bill is wha' led ta the whole mess... 'cause if'n we only had that original pile a shit ta deal with... them bad mortgages... things would still be bad... but it wouldn't be near the crisis it's turnin' inta without the massive amounts of other shit them dumbass companies piled on top of it..."
"Ya'd think any idiot... much less them company CEOs makin' millions 'n millions a dollars... coulda seen tha' them credit default swaps were justa big ol' house a cards tha' was gonna collapse sooner or later..."
"Ya'd think. Hell... Stuff a lot like this was made illegal after 1907 when it caused the market ta crash then... 'n ta get around tha' them folks pushin' tha' Commodity Futures bill put a clause in it sayin' them previous laws no longer applied... so they knew damn well wha' they were doin' 'n how dangerous it was..."
"Guess they figured they could milk it fer all it was worth 'fore it crashed..."
"Yep. A whole lotta folks made shitloads a money... 'Whoo-oooh... Take the money 'n run'... 'n leave the taxpayers holdin' the bag... as usual..."
"'N you said there's like 50 trillion dollars worth a these credit default swaps out there...? Holy fuck."
"I've heard anywheres from 40 ta 60 trillion dollars worth... they ain't sure because it was a real shadow-like part a the market... not regulated at all... 'N I don't think anyone knows how much of it has gone bad..."
"But it was all purty much shit ta begin with..."
"Tha's my take on it... But I ain't sure... I don't think no one's sure..."
"So's... I ain't no mathematician or physicist... but I cain't help wonderin' how a one trillion dollar bailout's gonna fix somethin' like tha'..."
"Yeah... Me too... 'S kinda like if'n doctors decided ta give someone who needs a heart transplant a couple a aspirin 'n send 'em on their way..."
"While maybe hopin' they wouldn' collapse before the election...?"
"Yep. 'N some folks are sayin' we've hit bottom... 'n I'm sure hopin' they're right... 'cause other folks are sayin' maybe tha's wha' tha' bailout was really all about... Bush 'n Paulson convincin' them Congressfolks ta pass it in order ta buy some time before this other shit hits the fan... in November or December or somethin'..."
"Yeah. 'N I been real tempted ta join the rest a them townsfolk 'n say screw 'em all... it's jus' karma comin' ta give them 'n us a well-deserved bite in the ass fer lettin' this gover'ment get away with ev'rythin' it's gotten away with... but I gotta admit... I ain't real sure wha' ta think or who ta believe... 'cause most a them economists are sayin' this is a real scary situation 'n somethin' needed ta be done 'n still needs ta be done... even though they ain't even sure if'n it'll work... but they're sayin' if'n we don't try ta fix it tha' this has the potential ta take down the rest a the world along with us... 'N ta take down a whole lotta folks who don't even know they were involved in all this with their pension funds 'n whatnot... 'n all us innocent bystanders too maybe..."
"Pension funds were investin' in this crap...?"
"Yep. 'Cause them folks at Standard 'n Poor's 'n at Moody's didn't have 'em listed as risky investments..."
"Shit. There'd better be a whole lotta folks headed off ta prison... 'N I don't give a damn if'n they're republican or democrat or whatever else so's long as they're guilty..."
"Don't hold yer breath... least-wise not if'n McCain is elected 'n we don't get a real majority of democrats in tha' Congress... 'n even then we'd need some democrats with some balls fer a change... Hell... Righ' now all them company-types are still so fuckin' arrogant tha' just a week after their bailout a buncha them executives from AIG went off on a week-long hotel spa retreat 'n had a real-nice tax-payer-subsidized four hund'erd 'n forty thousand dollar celebration."
"Yer fuckin' kidding me...? Tha's almost half a million dollars..."
"I cain't make shit like this up."
"How's it even possible ta spend tha' much in a week...?"
"It prob'bly ain't easy... but they're professionals..."
"Yeah. Professional thieves."
"You can say that again. 'N tha's why it's so hard not ta say screw this whole bailout 'n let all the cowchips fall where they may..."
"Maybe we should give 'em a break... They prob'bly need ta rest some 'cause it's gotta be a lotta hard work... ya know... all that lootin' 'n pillagin'..."
"You betcha. But let's hope next time that instead a sendin' 'em to a spa we send 'em up the river..."
"Fer a nice long stretch."
"Yep... let's say 15 to 20..."
"'N wha's McCain got ta say about all this...? The economy 'n all them thievin' execs..."
"Well... Once he fin'lly managed ta stop sayin' 'the fundamentals of our economy are strong'... he started sayin' he was gonna go after all them 'fat cats' 'n shoot them 'n their golden parachutes right outta the sky... even if'n he had ta crash another plane ta do it..."
"Even them 'fat cats' workin' fer his campaign...?"
"He weren't tha' specific."
"'N did he say why he weren't able ta go after them 'fat cats' fer the 26 years he's been in Congress...?"
"I guess he's a slow starter..."
"So's wha's he sayin' now...?"
"Well after that he was sayin' he wanted ta 'turn the page' 'n not talk about the economy no more..."
"Tha' don't seem like somethin' the country's gonna be turnin' the page on anytime soon..."
"It sure as hell ain't... So's after he hid under a table fer a while he came out 'n said he had a plan ta buy folks mortgages... only tha' plan was already in the bailout 'n it's somethin' Obama'd been sayin' too... except MCain managed ta make it a whole lot worse fer us taxpayers somehow..."
"Yep. 'N then he said he was jus' kiddin'... or it was all a mistake... or somethin' along them lines..."
"Yep. 'N now he's back ta sayin' he don't wanna talk about it no more... Except fer tryin' ta convince folks tha' tax breaks fer the rich are wha' democracy 'n capitalism are all about 'n Obama's tax breaks fer the rest of us are nothin' more than a big ol' communist plot ta take over this country..."
"They really got a whole lotta folks drinkin' the Kool Aid... don't they...?"
"Yep. I hear it's orange-flavored this year."
"'N what about Obama...?"
"Hell... If'n I were him I'd be runnin' in the opposite direction... Who the hell would wanna be president of the wreckage Dubya 'n them republicans are leavin' in their wake...? But Obama ain't runnin'... he's facin' it all head on... 'n most a them economists... no matter if'n they're democrats or independents or republicans... think Obama's got a lot more of what it takes ta see us through this than McCain does..."
"The one thing tha's come outta McCain's mouth that I do believe is him sayin' over 'n over that he don't know much about the economy..."
"Yeah... He's always jus' gone along with wha' them lobbyists wanted him ta do..."
"'N don't ferget his health care plan... I imagine he don't wanna talk about that in no kinda detail neither... Hell... Tha's gotta be a real embarrasment ta him..."
"Yep. Hold on... lemme look fer that quote from him... Here it is... McCain says 'Openin' up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation'..."
"Yeah... Tha' worked out real good fer all of us with bankin'. Do ya think them republican voters realize tha' tha' translates inta prettty much jus' pushin' a whole buncha folks outta the employer-provided-insurance boat withou' life jackets 'n havin' 'em tread the shark-infested waters with rest of us poor saps...?"
"So's if'n McCain wins I guess a whole lotta folks'll end up usin' the ol' 'Post a Flyer 'n Beg' kinda health insurance tha's already so popular 'round these parts..."
"Yep. 'Course that'll all kinda cancel out that whole privacy thing they make such a big deal outta..."
"You can say that again."
"But... Ya know... I betcha anythin' there could be a successful reality show in this... A whole buncha sick folks go on TV 'n the public gets ta vote fer who lives 'n who dies... so's the most photogenic 'n likeable folks with the most heart-wrenchin' stories get medical care... 'n tough luck fer the rest of 'em..."
"Don't go givin' anyone ideas, Hank..."
"Too bad the name 'Survivor' is already taken..."
"I thought that one flyer said tha' fella who needed the transplant had insurance...?"
"It did... But a whole lotta folks who end up declarin' bankruptcy in this country are middle class folks who thought they had decent health insurance... That is until they actually had the nerve ta up 'n get sick..."
"Ya mean there's still middle class folks in this country...?"
"Not so's ya'd really notice... But there's a few pockets of 'em left here 'n there... They've been talkin' 'bout addin' 'em ta that endangered species list but Palin's threatenin' ta sue if'n they do..."
"Shit... I cain't imagine havin' ta put my picture up all over town... pleadin' fer help ta stay alive... I don't think I could do it..."
"Yeah. Me neither, Ed... 'N McCain also said he wants ta slash Medicare 'n Medicaid by 1.3 trillion dollars... So's if'n he gets elected I cain't even imagine how many folks who never thought they could do it neither will hafta be postin' flyers like tha'..."
"Hell... I'm surprised McCain would even admit tha's what he'd do..."
"Yeah. I am too. I guess he thinks folks ain't payin' tha' much attention."
"So's, Hank... How much ya wanna bet them folks who had ta put up them flyers voted fer Bush... Twice... 'n are gonna be votin' fer McCain...?"
"I ain't takin' tha' bet."
"Guess they believe tha's all a fair trade off 'cause they think McCain'll keep 'em safe from..."
"This happened back in September I think... McCain was talkin' ta this Spanish reporter on Spanish radio 'n she asked him if'n he'd be willin' ta meet with President Zapatero 'n McCain started talkin' about Latin America instead a Spain 'n then she told him she was talkin' about Europe 'n tha' Zapatero was the president of Spain 'n McCain still jus' kept repeatin' the same thing about Latin America 'n not meeting with folks unless they're our friends... 'n then later on ta cover it up he pretended he did know tha' she was talkin' about the president of Spain 'n that he meant what he said all along..."
"I thought foreign policy was s'posed ta be one a his strong points...?"
"It is. Kinda disturbin', huh...?"
"So I guess McCain'll be invadin' Spain if'n he's elected..."
"I wouldn' bet against it. The man's gotta save face somehow."
"While Palin'll be single-handedly takin' on Putin..."
"'N they'll both be bombin' Iran."
"Yee fuckin' haw."
"Yep. It seems ta me tha' McCain's so-called 'Straight-Talk Express' is soundin' more 'n more like the 'Little Engine tha' Lost his Mind 'n Ran Amok'..."
"'Specially since he don't got Joe Lieberman at his side feedin' him lines..."
"Yeah... I'm afraid poor ol' Joe was his true soulmate... 's gotta be hard fer him... ta be cast aside like an old pair a shoes like tha'..."
"Ya know... I thought it was a real big joke at first... McCain pickin' Palin fer his runnin' mate... but it don't seem like no joke no more..."
"It sure don't. Though I gotta admit... it's still damn funny."
"If they don't win."
"Tell ya one thing, Hank... I sure as hell woulda liked ta have been a fly on the wall when McCain 'n his pals were makin' tha' decision... 'Specially considerin' he wanted Lieberman instead..."
"Yeah... Me too, Ed... I can jus' see him 'n his cronies all sittin' around after Obama picked Joe Biden instead a Hillary Clinton... Hold on a sec... I betcha it went somethin' like this... Here
"Shoulda figured there'd be singin' involved..."
"Yep. Ya shoulda. 'Leroy... ooops... I mean John-nee, boy, is tha' you? I thought your post-hangin' days were through, sunk-in eyes 'n full of sighs, tell a whole buncha lies, you get wise, I tell you now we're gonna pull ya through, there's only one thing left that we can do... We gotta get you a woman, It's like nothin' else can make you feel sure yer alive. We gotta get you woman, we better get walkin', we're wastin' time talkin' now'..."
"They had ta get him a right-wing religious nut-job of a woman, huh...?"
"Yep. 'John-nee boy, yer my friend, you say how 'n I'll say when, come and meet me down the street, take a seat, it's my treat, you may not ever get this chance again, that empty feelin's just about to end..."
"Okay... okay... I get the idea..."
"Ya want me ta stop singin'...?"
"Yer purty quick sometimes fer a slow fella."
"Thanks a lot."
"Ya know... I can just imagine the ad they helped McCain write... 'PDIC and FPOW seeks VPILF for a ride on the 'Straight-Talk Express'. The maverick in me is lookin' fer a soulmate in you. I am a young-at-heart maverick, and I may not know how to send an email... but give me, a real maverick, a chance and I'll prove I can still rock the hell outta this world... hehehe... You are a steely-eyed maverickette... preferably one chosen by god, with lots of spunk 'n the ability to eviscerate a moose, lie without blinkin' 'n throw your weight around like a thug twice your size. Turn offs: Book-learnin', truth-tellin', communtiy organizin', law-obeyin' 'n liberal elites. If you fit the bill, come on 'n join me, a maverick, in a three-way... Help me uphold the great republican... oops... I mean maverick... tradition of screwin' the heck outta the good ol' U.S. of A.'"
"Okay, dumbass... I get the 'former P.O.W'... 'n I get the VPILF... but wha' does the PDIC stand fer...?"
"Potential-Decider-in-Chief... Ya know... like when Bush said 'I'm the Decider'."
"Explain ta me again how Bush got elected tha' second time...?"
"Fox News 'n fear 'n election fraud is ev'ryone's best guess... But... Ya know... I really don't get it... Why this race is as close as they're sayin' it is... After these last eight years it should be a big ol' landslide in Obama's favor... How they hell are they gettin' at least 40% a this country ta assume the position' 'n start chantin' 'Thank you sir, may I have four more'..."
"Think it would be more along the lines of assumin' the position 'n chantin' 'Drill baby, drill..."
"Guess tha' would be more accurate..."
"'N these are real strange times, Hank..."
"You can say that again... Hell... sometimes it seems like half the country's havin' some kinda psychotic break... McCain included..."
"'N ya hear a lotta them dumbasses sayin' Palin's jus' like them 'n tha's why they're gonna vote fer her..."
"I do gotta admit... I admire myself as much as anybody does..."
"But... even though we were jokin' about it before... I wouldn' be dumb enough ta vote fer me or fer someone like me fer president... Or vice president even..."
"I wouldn' vote fer ya neither. You ain't smart enough."
"True 'nough. 'N neither is McCain or Palin."
"'N yer too much of a hothead."
"True 'nough. 'N so are McCain 'n Palin. But it's almost like the worse things get the more deluded some folks get... 'S weird..."
"Yeah... 'N don't forget... there's all them bible thumpers... 'n there's still a whole lotta racist folks in this country yet..."
"Bet there's a lotta overlap there... all them bible-thumpin' racists..."
"Yep... Like my crazy pa... There's a whole lotta folks out there votin' their hate instead a wha's best fer themselves 'n best fer this country..."
"'N from what I've seen lately McCain 'n Palin are doin' everythin' they can ta pander ta them folks... They've been incitin' some a them crowds ta near-violence with all them lies about Obama 'pallin around with terrorists'... 'n all them lies they're tellin' about ACORN 'n voter fraud... when they're the ones who are tryin' so hard ta steal votes or ta keep folks from votin'..."
"Hell... Palin 'n McCain got a buncha their supporters sayin' Obama is a terrorist... 'Course ya gotta wonder if'n they're really ignorant enough ta believe he's terrorist... or if they're just usin' the word 'terrorist' as a substitute fer what it is they really wanna call him..."
"I bet tha's got a lot ta do with it... Damn... I sure do worry about Obama's safety... 'n his family's safety too..."
"Yeah. Me too, Hank..."
"'N now Palin's sayin' tha' crap about bein' glad ta talk ta folks in 'pro-American states'... I guess tha' means ev'rybody else in all them other states are justa buncha terrorists too... 'N tha' crazy Michele Bachmann from Minnesota is sayin' that all the democrats in Congress should be 'investigated 'to find out if they're pro-America or anti-America'..."
"Yer fuckin' kiddin' me...?"
"You really think I can make this stuff up...? Hell... I cain't even make stuff up about us when things get dull 'n I wanna..."
"'S like they wanna drag this country back ta the fifties 'n McCarthyism.... jus' like Bush 'n Cheney have been workin' on fer the last eight years..."
"You betcha. 'N my guess is worse even..."
"Sure seems like it."
"So's I guess now tha'd be 'The Little Engine that Lost His Mind 'n Ran Amok 'n Started Spewin' Hate-Talk Express..."
"Yep. 'N all tha' says a lot more about McCain 'n Palin's lack a character 'n lack a decency than we ever could..."
"It sure does."
"Damn... Whadda buncha thugs them folks are..."
"Yeah. They sure are, Ed... Hold on a sec..."
"What're ya doin'...?"
"Openin' a new tab here... Makin' another donation ta Obama's campaign..."
"I been meanin' ta ask ya... Exactly how much of our hard-earned money have ya sent him...?"
"Prob'bly not enough."
"Can ya be more specific?"
"I don't recall."
"Yeah. I just betcha don't... But... yer givin' a lotta money to a fella who ya don't entirely agree with on ev'rythin'..."
"Yeah... But I don't entirely agree with no one... 'N I do agree with a lotta what he says... 'N I sure as hell disagree with everythin' McCain 'n Palin stand fer... 'N Obama's real smart. 'N he's calm 'n thoughtful 'n he genuinelly seems ta care about this country 'n the people in it... 'n this country sure as hell could use a president who really cares about it fer a change..."
"Ya know... the more money ya send him the less we'll be able ta travel 'n all... Like ya wanna..."
"'N you know... we probably won't be able ta afford ta travel nowheres anyway with this here economy tankin... 'N besides... if'n McCain 'n Palin win my head will explode 'n I won't be in any kinda shape ta travel anyways."
"I don't think we can afford yer head explodin'."
"We cain't. So's we damn well better hope Obama 'n Biden win."
"But ev'rythin' I've been seein' says Obama's got a real good lead over McCain... 'N ev'ry time ya turn around another conservative newspaper or some other well-known republican's out there endorsin' Obama over McCain... So's I think maybe you can relax a l'il..."
"No way will I relax 'til Obama's declared the winner... 'N yeah... it's real encouragin' knowin' there's a lot a republican's out there who are fin'lly willin' ta put partisan politics aside fer what's righ'... But tha' don't mean there still ain't a whole buncha them right-wing nut-jobs out there... 'N I'm afraid if'n it ain't a big ol' indisputable landslide in Obama's favor they're gonna get away with stealin' another election... They been tryin' real hard in some places already... like West Virginia 'n Tennessee... Folks votin' early in them states are sayin' them damn Diebold machines are switchin' their votes ta republicans when they vote fer democrats... 'n if'n folks don't look real good they migh' miss it... 'n when folks do catch it 'n complain they say the workers don't even remove the offendin' machine 'n blame the voters instead... 'n when them voters ask fer a printout of their vote they're told they cain't have one..."
"Yeah. Shit is right. So's I sure hope folks realize they gotta get out 'n vote 'n give Obama 'n Biden such a big ol' freakin' landslide of a victory tha' there ain't no stealin' this election or disputin' who won..."
"I think they do, Hank... 'N I think Obama is gonna win... I sure hope he's gonna anyways... But... ya know when... if... Obama wins... it ain't like all a this is jus' gonna stop all a the sudden... the fight I mean... against folks like tha'..."
"I know... I'm jus' hopin the pendulum swings back some so's they ain't so much of the drivin' force tha' they've been."
"Yeah. Me too. But ya know... Obama 'n them other democrats... they ain't gonna be able ta fix ev'rythin' tha's wrong like magic neither..."
"Yeah. I know... But short a tearin' down the whole house 'n startin' over... gettin' as many democrats elected is the best we can do righ' now..."
"Tearin' down the house, huh...? Yer gonna have Homeland Security knockin' on our door yet..."
"'S justa figure a speech... 'N speech is still s'posed ta be free... so's far as I know... Besides... Dumbya 'n Cheney 'n all them have already purty much torn it down theirselves... 'n we'll all be lucky if'n they don't finish the job before November 4th... Or January fer tha' matter... But alls I meant was that our whole gover'ment is broken... hell... our whole country is broken... 'n flat broke too... 'n it needs ta be fixed..."
"'N I s'pose you know jus' wha' we need ta do ta fix it..."
"No. I don't. Although maybe gettin' outta Iraq 'n stoppin' torturin' folks 'n restorin' our civil liberties 'n regulatin' them companies 'n reinin' 'n them lobbyists 'n fixin' that Electoral College 'n goin' back ta paper votin' ballots 'n institutin' term limits in Congress 'n figurin' out some decent health care reform would be real good places ta start... But... the one thing I do know fer sure is that electin' McCain 'n Palin is jus' gonna end up breakin' it even more... Hell... If'n they win I don't know what I'm gonna do..."
"Are you gonna be worse off than when Bush won...?"
"Hell... I'm gonna be worse off than when Bush won the second time."
"Shit... It took me a full month ta get ya ta stop poundin' yer head against the wall... 'N another month ta get all them holes patched..."
"Jus' figure this time yer gonna hafta stop me from headin' fer the border..."
"Yeah...? 'N exactly which border are ya gonna be headin' fer...?"
"Think I'm gonna hafta go fer 'tha' final frontier'..."
"Wha' the hell are you talkin' about...?"
"Space. I'm with tha' Tina Fey on this one... If'n they win I'm gonna hafta leave the damn planet... 'N I'm takin' ya with me..."
"Great. I ain't never even been up in an airplane 'n yer gonna launch me inta outerspace."
"Yep. Jus' be sure 'n buckle yer seat belt."
"How 'bout I try 'n make ya ferget about all this fer a l'il while...?"
"You think you can, huh...?"
"Yep. I think I can."
"Exactly whatcha got in mind...? You ain't gonna get me a woman are ya...? 'Cause I don't think that'll do it..."
"How 'bout we get you a cowboy, then...?"
"A cowboy, huh...? I guess I could go fer a cowboy... I hear there ain't nothin' else can make you feel sure yer alive..."
"So I been told..."
"I sure hope there's still one left in this old town..."
"I think there migh' be..."
"I dunno about tha'... Betty would surely get ticked off if'n ya got me Bill... 'n I hear Sam's off visitin' his sister... 'n Fred's outta town on a fishin' trip... 'n Harry's..."