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Ed and Hank Hank thinks, therefore he irritates Ed... (Well,… - myeyesaintblue — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Nov. 11th, 2014|01:04 pm]

Ed and Hank

Hank thinks, therefore he irritates Ed... (Well, not always... But a lot of the time anyways...)

Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: G $$: Nope.

Links to all previous posts are here:


"So's, Ed...?"


"I been thinkin'..."

"Uh oh."

"N... well... I'm thinkin' I wanna retire..."

"From what exactly..?"

"I'm bein' serious here, Ed."

"Me too."

"Okay, okay... if'n ya wanna get all specific-like about it...  I'm thinkin' you should retire..."

"I don't need ta re-tire.  Tires are 'xpensive... 'n the ones on my truck are jus' fine, thank ya very much..."

"Dumbass. I really wanna talk about this..."

"Well, I don't."

"Bill 'n Betty can handle things 'round here... So's least-wise we can take off 'n go campin' more often... 'n fer longer at a time..."

"Coulda sworn we were already doin' tha'."

"Not often 'nough or long 'nough by me."

"Then why the hell'd we spend all tha' money 'n time 'n hard work on tha' there addition if we're jus' gonna be gone all the time...?"

"So's we got a nice place ta come home to when we do feel like comin' home..."

"Well I feel like jus' stayin' home in the first place... 'n gettin' our money's worth outta it."

"But... ya can't deny ya had a great time at the coast... 'n 'round Moab... 'n at our regular spots we went to in between 'n since..."

"I ain't denyin' nothin'... But I like stayin' home too... Dammit, Hank... Why the hell can't ya never jus' compromise a l'il bit even..."

"That's wha' you don't get... I am compromisin'... You 'n I both know damn well I ain't never gonna getcha ta go nowheres overseas... or ta no big cities here... 'sides Chicago... 'n that only 'cause it's where Iris is... 'N ya know damn well I ain't bugged ya 'bout none a tha' fer a long, long time... So's... this... what I wanna do... it already is a compromise..."

"Dammit, Hank."

"Dammit, Ed."



"Well... How much longer ya thinkin' 'bout bein' gone fer...?"

"A good bit anyways... 'N jus' consider tha' fer me anythin' less than most a the time is gonna be a big ol' compromise..."

"Well... maybe we could come up with some kinda schedule... parcel out when we're gonna be here 'n when we're gonna be gone..."

"Don't wanna be tha' rigid-like 'bout it... Figured we'd jus' go where we felt like goin' when we felt like goin' 'n stay so's long as we felt like stayin'..."

"Some plan."

"Sure is.  A damn good one."

"Well we least-wise gotta work it out with Bill 'n Betty... Make sure they're okay with yer so-called plan... 'n figure it out money-wise..."

"Of course we gotta work it out with Bill 'n Betty, dumbass... But I figured I should work it out with you first."

"Well... Whaddya figure we do now...?  'Bout 60/40 stayin' home versus goin' somewheres...?"

"No way in hell.  S'more like 80/20."

"Let's say 75/25."


"Now... That's already a helluva lotta time away from here in my book... So's... How much more'n that d'ya want...?"


"No way, Hank."

"Well... Then what're you willin' ta consider...?"


"That's more'n we're home already, dumbass."

"I were hopin' you wouldn' catch on ta tha'."

"Not likely."

"How 'bout 70/30..?"

"That's hardly no more.  How 'bout 25/75...?"

"Way too much.  How 'bout 60/40...?"



"Can't hardly consider nothin' less than 50% bein' retired... 'n only semi-retired at tha'..."

"I'm only willin' ta go so's far as semi-semi-retired... So's how 'bout 50/50...?"

"40/60... 'N that's my final offer."

"Or wha'...?"

"How the hell should I know 'or wha''...?  C'mon, Ed... Whaddya say...?"

"I say 47/53."

"How 'bout 43/57...?"

"Okay, dumbass... But that's gotta be a rough estimate... on accounta we don't know what'll go on here that Bill 'n Betty migh' need help with..."

"Deal.  But not too rough an estimate..."




"I think I'm thinkin' 'bout somethin' else now..."

"Jeez, Hank...  Weren't that about enough thinkin' fer one day...?"

"Well... I were thinkin' maybe we should turn ourselves in a l'il early... 'n go 'n get some of our money's worth outta tha' real nice bedroom addition..."

"Now that's the kinda thinkin' I can get behind... 100%..."

"C'mon, dumbass... I'll put some music on..."

A few minutes later...


"...'Ed will follow me... Follow me wherever I migh' gooo...  There isn't an ocean too deeep... A mountain so high it can keeep Ed awaaay... Ed must follow meeee.. ever since I touched Ed's hand, Ed knows... That near me he always must beee... And nothin' can keep Ed from me... I am Ed's destinyyyyy...  Ed loves me...  He loves me... He loves me... And where I go he'll follow...he'll follow... he'll follow... I'll always be Ed's true love... His true love... His true love... From now until ferever... Ferever... Ferever'..."

"Well... Ya got tha' last part right anyways... C'mere, dumbass..."

A while later...

"'Ed will follow me... Follow me wherever I migh' gooo...  There isn't an ocean too deeep... A mountain so high it can keeep Ed awaaay... Ed must follow meeee.. ever since I touched Ed's hand, Ed knows... that near me he always must beee... And nothin' can keep Ed from me... I am Ed's destinyyyyy...  Ed loves me...  He loves me... He loves me... And where I go he'll follow...he'll follow... he'll follow'..."

"I ain't sleepin', dumbass... So's tha' subliminal stuff ain't gonna work."

"Ya cain't blame me fer tryin'."

"True 'nough."

"So's, Ed... Since yer awake 'n all... I were thinkin'..."

"Again...? Ain't you wore out...?"

"'N... I'm thinkin'... I'd like ta get us a divorce..."

"Ha. Ha.  Real funny."

"I'm serious, Ed... If'n we get divorced... then once it's legal-like everywheres, we can go ta ev'ry single state 'n get us a marriage license... But if'n we're already married them other states won't give us one... So's... we gotta get us a divorce..."

"Now I know ya've gone crazy.  Besides... ain't it illegal ta get hitched over 'n over 'n over again...?"

"That's what I'm sayin'... We can't get hitched legal-like over 'n over 'n over again... But... we can get marriage licenses from ev'ry single state... So's long as we don't get hitched again 'til the last one..."

"Now why in the hell wouldya wanna do tha'...?"

"'Cause we can.  'N it'd be exercisin' our equal civil rights all acrost this here whole country... 'N I think tha'd be a real good thing ta do... 'N a whole lotta fun too..."

"I ain't gettin' a divorce, Hank."

"C'mon, Ed..."

"No. Way. In. Hell. Hank.  We got hitched legal-like fair 'n square... 'N any divorce we'd get wouldn' be on the up 'n up... 'N no way are we payin' fer one neither..."

"Now why do I think tha' last reason is the real one...?"

"Ya jus' shoulda thought a all tha' before we did the deed."

"Happened so fast I didn't have time ta think."

"'N thanks be fer tha'."

"Okay, okay... I'll ferget about tha'... Guess It'd jus' be too weird gettin' divorced anyways.."

"It sure as hell would be. 'Specially after we waited so damn long fer it."

"But... I sure as hell woulda enjoyed declarin' us equal ta ev'ryone else in ev'ry single state... 'specially in them states that hate us the most..."

"Well... you can do all tha' before ya marry yer second husband... Ya know... after I'm gone... 'Cause one a these days one a yer crazy ideas is bound ta be the death a me."

"You ain't goin' nowheres... 'N that's an order."

"Aye aye, Captain."

"That's more like it, Tenille."


"So's... ya know... I were also thinkin'..."

"Dammit, Hank."

"...Wouldn' it be nice ta be able ta take all them dogs... 'n even Iristhecat maybe... with us when we head out campin'...?"

"We already take them dogs with us half the time... 'N I ain't sure Iristhecat is the campin' type... Hell... Ya even open the door 'round her 'n she hightails it in the opposite direction...  Guess she had more'n enough of the outadoors when she showed up here..."

"Yeah... But it ain't easy takin' them dogs... 'N wouldn' it be nice if it were a whole lot easier...? 'N wouldn' it be nice not ta have ta leave Iristhecat behind...? 'S probly givin' her some kinda complex or somethin'..."

"I ain't gettin' a trailer, Hank."

"Jus' think how nice it'd be... Not havin' ta worry 'bout a string a bad days 'n bein' stuck in a wet tent... or in the back a the truck fer hours on end... 'N bein' able ta cook easy-like if'n the weather's bad... 'N stayin' nice 'n dry when ya gotta use the facilities... 'n just havin' facilities..."

"I ain't gettin' a trailer, Hank."

"Why the hell not...?"

"Better question is why the hell do you want one...?  Ya've always made fun of folks drivin' their houses 'round complete with satellite dishes so's they don't miss out on no TV... It ain't really like campin' at all..."

"Guess I'm beginnin' ta see the attraction... We wouldn' need no big one... Just enough space... not too much... No TV... 'Course... if'n it came with one there wouldn' be no point in takin' it out..."

"Dumbass.  'N ya know we couldn' get it down them roads we go down anyways."

"Yeah. We could.  Them truck campers I'd want would be too top heavy... 'n them fifth wheels are general-like too big 'n too expensive anyways... But...  there's this one trailer... 'S got an off-road package on it... good fifteen inch tires... 'n good clearance too... 'S real light too..."

"Mighta knowed ya already looked inta it..."

"'N its got bunkbeds fer the dogs 'n cat too..."

"Now I know ya've lost yer mind."

"It's not too long neither... not fer havin' bunkbeds anyways... Only 22'... includin' the hitch... 'S a lot shorter than most... 'n only a couple a feet longer than one withou' them bunkbeds... 'N it's got a bed that's set up all the time fer us so's we can have our way with each other whenever the mood strikes... 'N the side pops out some ta give ya a l'il more floorspace... 'N it's real lightweight-like... Only 'bout 3,000 pounds... 'N it's cheap... Least-wises compared ta a lot a them other trailers 'n whatnot..."

"Prob'bly cheap made too... All that 'n only 3,000 pounds..."

"No doubt.  But that's why it's lightweight 'n don't cost much... 'N we can fix anythin' tha' goes wrong with it... Make it better'n new even if'n we gotta..."

"What's the point a buyin' somethin' new 'n then havin' ta work on it...?"

"We wouldn' have ta work on it right off... It'd be fine... It's just if'n anythin' does break... we could fix it... Or if'n we wanna change somethin'... we could do it..."

"I ain't gettin' a trailer, Hank."

"Is that as strong a "I ain't" as yer 'I ain't gettin' a divorce'...?"

"Go ta sleep, dumbass."

"Well... I gotta tell ya... I were kinda thinkin' 'bout somethin' else too..."

"Jeez... Save it fer tomorrow, Hank."

"Hold on a sec... I jus' remembered tha' somethin' from earlier reminded me a somethin'..."

"Where the hell are ya goin'...?"



"Yer kiddin'...?"

"Nope.  Like the song says... 'Once is never enough... with a man like you'..."

"Like I said... some day yer gonna be the death a me..."

"I promise not ta kill ya..."

"Thanks a lot."

"Yer welcome.  Now... C'mere, Ed..."

A while after that...



"You asleep, Hank...?"


"Hank ain't gonna wan' a trailer no more... Hank ain't gonna wan' a trailer no more... 'N... 'N he's gonna wanna make pancakes fer me tomorrow mornin'... 'N ev'ry mornin' after tha'... Hank ain't gonna wan' a trailer no more 'n he's gonna wanna make me pancakes ev'ry single mornin'.... Hank ain't gonna wan' a trailer no more 'n he's gonna wanna make me pancakes ev'ry single mornin'...  Hank ain't gonna wan' a trailer no more 'n he's gonna wanna make me pancakes ev'ry single mornin'... Hank ain't gonna wan' a trailer no more 'n he's gonna wanna make me pancakes ev'ry single mornin'... Hank ain't gonna wan' a trailer no more 'n he's gonna wanna make me pancakes ev'ry single mornin'..."


"Well... It were worth a try."

"True 'nough."

"G'night, Hank."

"G'night, Ed.  Love yer dumb ass."

"Love yers too."




[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2014-11-11 08:41 pm (UTC)
Btw, Hank does NOT mean he's going to retire from writin' about him and Ed. As long as Ed does stuff, or even doesn't do much of anything, Hank will be writin' about it.
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2014-11-13 04:15 pm (UTC)
They both thought it was worth a try!
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From: deevah2
2014-11-12 07:40 am (UTC)
You know I love these guys! what a great idea to get a marriage certificate from every state where its legal. Subliminal hints do work sometimes :)

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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2014-11-13 04:18 pm (UTC)
Don't tell Ed, but Hank hasn't quite given up on that idea. He's just re-thinking it some. (He also just realized it's a marriage LICENSE they could get from each state. So he's going to go change that in what he posted - he was real tired when he wrote it up, busy night, you know... :=) )

And yep - I think he and Ed both still have some hope that those subliminal hints might work!
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[User Picture]From: ennisjackdean
2014-11-12 09:37 am (UTC)
Heavens to Betsy I do love Hank.
But damn can that man think. ♥
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2014-11-13 04:21 pm (UTC)
Ed sure wishes Hank didn't think quite so much. :=)
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From: mazaher
2014-11-12 07:21 pm (UTC)
Hank's thinking processes are as hilarious as they are alarming! (well, to Ed's ears). But, home potato that I am, the idea of camping with dogs and cat and the safety of a trailer is very *very* appealing. After all, after a certain age one can quit keeping standards (like camping in a tent in any sort of weather, maybe a small canvas one...) and take the time to explore the wide world of creature comforts.
As a rule, I would not advocate taking cats on a trip. But a cosy trailer changes things and offers a safe shelter if things get a bit too much. Also, I happened on *this*: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7mJmJ4q53c
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2014-11-13 04:30 pm (UTC)
Loved the video! What an amazing and wonderful cat! And what great people she adopted!

And yeah, Hank's thinking is most definitely alarming to Ed's ears. A lot of the time, anyway. Hank will give Ed some time to mull things over before he brings the idea of a trailer up again. But he has a feeling he'll be able to change Ed's mind on this one. Eventually...
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[User Picture]From: trekfan
2014-11-14 06:45 pm (UTC)
As so sweet so are they retiring and getting a trailer? Sounds like fun.

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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2014-12-11 06:55 pm (UTC)
Well... That's HANK's plan... We'll see if he can convince Ed.

(Sorry to take so long to respond, Hank was doing just that by dragging Ed off camping somewhere nice and cold hoping that would make Ed think about how nice and warm a trailer would be. Then Hank got sick, but Ed's doing fine and had a great time. Figures. :=) )
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[User Picture]From: joetheone
2014-11-16 07:22 pm (UTC)

Oh yeah

A camper and you guys going state to state would be out of this world. I can see it now the Ed and Hank show or caravan it would be out of this world seeing all the natural wonders of this great country. I have been lucky to go overseas several times but still this amazing country keeps giving me more and more to appreciate. The beauty of the Adirondacks draws me constantly and the mountains of Pa, Virginia and so forth. Yeah at times you have to deal with the traffic but if you are creative and look for it you can find the off road views and they are so worth it. Highways are only good for one thing and that is speed but the backroads of this country are wonderful. I hope you go for it. Joe
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2014-12-11 08:35 pm (UTC)

Re: Oh yeah

Hank is most definitely doing his best to convince Ed. So far Ed's still holding out, but, as you know, Hank can be mighty persuasive... :=)
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[User Picture]From: graciesdaddy
2014-11-27 08:57 pm (UTC)


Sally [my sis] and I have plans to win the lottery and buy a 45-foot motorhome and hit Burning Man, Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon, Savannah, Key West, Seattle, Vancouver, Prince Edward Island, Los Angeles/Hollywood, St. Louis, Branson, Nashville, and snowboarding in Breckenridge!

Maybe we'll cross paths with Ed 'n' Hank! Hope so!
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[User Picture]From: myeyesaintblue
2014-12-11 09:58 pm (UTC)

Re: Well...

Great plans! Hank's still working on Ed, trailer-wise. As part of his plan he dragged Ed off on a very cold camping trip. Ed loved it. Hank got sick on the way home. Figures. But Hank won't give up anytime soon...
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