Ed and Hank
Ed gets 'er done... 'N Hank don't like it...
(This happened a few months ago.)
Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: G $$: Nope.
Links to all previous posts are here:
"Hey, Ed... Dammit... Lookit this here... Two more states in a long line a states are hoppin' on tha' discrimination bandwagon... Jeez... This is gonna be one helluva long fight again..."
"...'S no wonder they think they can get away with it considerin' them Republicans linin' up fer president... 'S like half the country's lost it's collective mind... Trump...?!? Cruz...?!? Rubio...?!? 'N all the rest a them nuts... Each one's batshit crazier than the next... It's like folks all got together 'n said... 'Y'all thought Bush Jr. were bad...? Well you ain't seen nothin' yet.' Hell... Let's just hope there ain't enough nuts out there ta actual-like elect any one of 'em... Don't think there is... But ya never know..."
"'N tha' Cliven Bundy bunch 'n the rest a them dumbass ranchers are still at it... Buncha cheap-ass, law-breakin', whiny bastards are makin' the rest of us decent, hard-workin', law-abidin' ranchers look bad... Hell... They jus' want somethin' fer nothin'... 'N tha' somethin' would be a whole buncha land tha' don't belong ta them 'n didn' ever belong ta them... Or ta them states neither..."
"There ain't a damn thing we can do 'bout none a tha' righ' this minute... So's... How 'bout ya c'mon outside with me... I got a big ol' s'prise fer ya, Mary Sunshine......"
"Lemme guess... A whole heap a unneccesary work ya wan' me ta do..."
"So much fer tha' 'hard-workin'' rancher stuff, huh...?"
"You work hard 'nough fer the both of us."
"True 'nough. Now, c'mon, dumbass..."
"Okay, okay... Lemme grab a jacket..."
A minute later...
"So's... What's the big s'prise...?"
"C'mon... It's out behind the barn..."
"I'm comin'... I'm comin'..."
A minute later...
"Well... There she is... Whaddya think...?"
"Wha' the hell...?"
"'S all ours... From stem ta stern..."
"You went 'n bought a trailer withou' me...?!?"
"Whoa there... Before ya go flyin' off the handle why dontcha take a good look at it... 'S got ev'rythin' you wan' 'n ev'rythin' I wan' too... Well... almost-like anyways..."
"Dammit, Ed... We were s'posed ta pick it out together... Hell... I been spendin' a whole lotta time on tha' computer lookin' up all the diff'rent floor plans 'n models 'n manufacturers out there 'n comparin' 'em... 'N lookin' fer used ones too..."
"Well... This one is brand spankin' new... 'N it were jus' too good a deal ta pass up... 'N..."
"'N 'xactly why were ya even lookin' withou' me...?"
"Well... Ya know me 'n Bill went ta help his sister out some ta day..."
"So's... Ya bought it with Bill... 'N not me..."
"C'mon, Hank... It's not like I set out ta do it tha' way... On the way ta Bill's sister's place we passed this here RV place... 'n they had this here trailer sittin' right out fron'... 'n we figured we might as well stop 'n take a look at it... 'N I liked it a whole lot... 'n thought you would too... so's I were gonna bring ya back ta see it... But we wouldna been able ta get back down there anytime real soon with all that's goin on... So's... I jus' decided ta give 'em a real low-ball offer... sayin' I'd buy it righ' then 'n there... 'N... well.. they took it... 'Sprised the hell outta me... So I took it... the trailer I mean... 'N well... Wouldya least-wise jus' take a look at it 'fore ya decide ya hate it... It were one helluva good deal... 'N it's got all the stuff that other one ya liked has but it's better made 'n it's a whole lot cheaper..."
"'S only twenty feet 'n six inches long... includin' the hitch... 'N ya know fer them roads we go down we wanna keep it as short as poss'ble... 'N it's real ligh'... 'N it's got plenty a clearance fer them rough roads... 'N if'n we want more clearance we can flip that axle over... 'N it's only seven feet wide fer them narrow roads... 'N ya wouldn' believe all the stuff it's got crammed inta tha' tight a space..."
"If'n I weren't so ticked off I'd be inclined ta make a joke 'bout tha' last part..."
"'N it's got bunk beds fer them dogs 'n tha' cat... 'N it's got a real big U-shaped dinette tha' slides out ta give us more floor space... 'N it's got a big ol' fridge... ya know... with a sep'rate freezer... 'N a decent size bed fer us... 'S not a queen-size... But least-wise it's a double... 'N not one a them fake doubles tha' they say is a double 'n is really six or more inches less wide than a double... 'N I figured we could manage a double if'n it meant we could have them bunk beds fer them dogs 'n IrisTheCat... 'N there's a few inches a extra space there... righ' next ta the bed... so's we could make it almost a queen if'n we wanna... 'N it's got a fair-sized shower that's a whole lot bigger than them corner ones... 'N it's big 'nough ta keep IrisTheCat's litter box in it so's it'll be outta the way most a the time..."
"I don't believe fer a second all that fits in tha' l'il trailer."
"I know... Neither did I... Hell... I even took out a tape measure 'n measured it ta be sure.. Ya know most a them tha' got them bunk beds either don't got them big slide-out dinettes 'n bigger fridges... Or if'n they do they're a whole lot longer 'n wider than this here one... So's... why dontcha jus' go take a look 'n see fer yerself."
"Nope. Still too ticked off."
"Jus' go 'n take a look at it, wouldya...?"
"I ain't gonna like it. So's what's the point a lookin' at it."
"Tha' makes a whole lotta sense... Decidin' you ain't gonna like it 'fore ya even lay eyes on the inside of it."
"Guess I'll just stay here with Betty while you 'n Bill ride off inta the sunset towin' yer l'il love nest behind ya."
"You are such a dumbass sometimes."
"Where is Bill anyways...? Off packin' his trousseau...?"
"Dumbass. He took off 'cause he thought ya migh' be a l'il ticked off that I bought it withou' ya along."
"Wise man. Hell... Maybe I should make a play fer him too."
"You are such a dumbass sometimes."
"Me...? Hell... D'ya know how ticked off you'd be at me if'n I went 'n bought a trailer withou' consultin' you...?"
"Not one bit if'n ya'd got the price I did on this one 'n it had all the same stuff this one's got."
"I don't believe tha' fer a second."
"Believe whatcha want... But wouldya least-wise jus' go inside the damn thing 'n take a look at it... I did it fer us... 'N fer you... 'N with all that's been goin' on who knows how long it woulda took us if'n I passed up on this here one..."
"Well... Guess I don't got no choice but ta take a look at it... We own it after all... Even if'n it's gonna be just you 'n Bill usin' it..."
"Bet I could sell it easy... Fer more'n I paid fer it."
"You write up the ad 'n I'll put it on Craigslist."
"C'mon, dumbass... Let's take a look at it together before I write up that ad..."
"I'm comin', I'm comin'... I don't like it one bit, but I'm comin'..."
"You don't like cummin'...? Now there's somethin' new."
"But... I gotta warn ya... The one thing that ain't the best is tha' there upholstery... S' kinda ugly-like... 'N the background's way too ligh' fer a trailer... 'specially one full a three dogs 'n a cat 'n us two... But... I figured it weren't a deal breaker..."
"Dammit, Ed... Ev'rybody knows upholstery's the most important part."
A few seconds later...
"Well... Whaddya think...?"
"Better start writin' tha' Craigslist ad."
"You gotta be kiddin' me..."
"Yep. I'm kiddin'. Much as I hate ta admit it... 'S perfect, Ed. 'Cept fer that upholstery... Yer right about tha' too... 'S purty darn ugly."
"I don't know whether ta kiss ya or punch ya."
"I'd recommend kissin' me... If'n ya punch me I'm like ta punch back."
"Ya think you could take me, huh...?"
A while later...
"Well... I gotta admit... the bed works good... real good."
"Yer lucky ya didn't break it... or me... jumpin' on it... 'n me... like tha'..."
"Just a l'il... Ain't so's young as I used ta be. 'N tha' mattress ain't so's thick as it should be."
"How 'bout we get us a thicker one...?"
"It weren't jus' Bill tha' knew I'd be mad at ya buyin' it withou' me, were it...?"
"Guess I mighta had an idea you wouldn' be real happy 'bout tha'."
"Well... I gotta admit... I'm real glad ya bought it... 'S a whole lot better than anythin' I were findin'... So's... Thanks, Ed... I 'preciate whatcha did..."
"S'okay, Hank... I knew I'd just have ta ride out the storm 'til ya took a good look at it"
"But... I jus' got one other question..."
"How the hell did I miss this one...? I been lookin' at ev'ry small trailer from ev'ry brand out there... Includin' Sportsmen... So's how the hell did I never even see this one before...?"
"Ya prob'bly just saw all it had 'n figured it were too big fer them roads so's ya didn't bother ta look more close-like at it."
"I'll go with tha'... Makes me seem the least crazy anyways..."
"So's where ya wanna take it first, Ed...?"
"Guess wherever we usual-like go where the weather's nicest."
"We don't gotta worry 'bout nice weather no more."
"So's... How 'bout we go wherever we usual-like go where the weather's the worst...?"
A few weeks later...
"Damn... I know I made fun of 'em before... A lot even... But I never in a million years thought we'd actual-like be headin' off inta the sunset towin' a damn house behind us..."
"That's the sunrise, dumbass. 'N me neither."
"Picky, picky. 'N how the hell'd ya get me up early 'nough ta see the sun rise anyways...?"
"It ain't that early. But it still weren't easy."
"Yaaaaaawn... Guess I'd better put on some music ta wake m'self up."
"Uh oh. Maybe you should jus' take yerself a nice, long nap instead... I'll wake ya when we get there."
"Lessee wha' we got here... I got it... This should do jus' fine..."
"When the hell didya get that one, dumbass...?"
"A while back. Just ain't played it before. Here goes... Fasten yer seatbelt..."
"Never ain't fastened when I'm with you."
"Together! We will go our way. Together! We will leave some day. Together! Your hand in my hand. Together! We will make the plans. Together! We will fly so high. Together! Tell our friends goodbye. Together! We will start life new. Together! This is what we'll do. Go Weeest! Life is peaceful there. Go Weeest! Lots of open air. Go Weeest! To begin life new. Go Weeest! This is what we'll do. Go Weeest! Sun in wintertime. Go Weeest! We will do just fine. Go Weeest! Where the skies are blue... Go Weeest! This and more we'll do..."
"Still headed east, dumbass..."
"That's only because we live in the west... If'n we lived prit' near anywheres else in this here country we'd be headin' west ta get where we're goin'... So's technical-like... we're purty much goin' west even though we're actual-like headin' east."
"Can't argue with logic like tha'. Well... I could... I jus' don't wanna."
"You said it."
"I'll never admit it."
"Did I ever tell ya I love yer dumb ass, Hank...?"
"Yep. But I never get tired a hearin' it."
"I love yer dumb ass, Hank."
"I love yers too, Ed."
"So's... Westward, Ho...?"
"Yep. Westward, Ho...!"